He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." -- Matthew 19:8

When you grasp the underlying foundation of the image of God, the designs of men and women, and judgments on men and women, relationships between men and women stop looking like some of Albert Einstein’s abstract math equations.

And, when you understand the link between the judgments, designs, and self-absorption (flashing your “ME”), you gain new insight into your behavior. That behavior is either helping or hurting your relationships.

Judgments Fuel Marriage Problems

For example, the graph below (on the video thumbnail) represents what the judgments do to marriages. Hopefully, it is simple enough to understand what it says without knowing about designs and judgments. But, if you know the foundation of the chart, the “why” behind it, you become someone who can help a couple through a difficult time.

Most people might see the chart and say, “That makes sense,” or “Yes, I have seen something like that.” But, it would be considered as only one of hundreds, maybe thousands of things that can happen. God’s Word tells us this is a “root cause” for marriage failures and problems.

Typical Comments from the Judgments

Adding typical comments to the chart above adds to the reality and, in some cases, to the pain that a person feels from the relationship. A woman might be saying things like

• “You spend so much time at work and little time with me and the kids.”
• “Your golf is more important to you than your family.”
• “Why can’t we have some time for just us?”

And, the statements from the man may be …

• “There is so much going on at work. I have so much to do.”
• “I wish I could just have some time to relax and do something other than work.”

The wife wants the relationship with the husband to fulfill her relational needs! The husband wants his work to fulfill him. The woman’s primary need from her design is security, which isn’t being met. The man’s basic need from his design is significance, and that isn’t being met. The judgments set up relationships and marriages to struggle and fail.

The judgments are the primary fuel for marriage failures!

God Has An Answer

God's methods are always the best, so He is the only One who can resolve the pain and struggles that come from the judgments that He established.

Relationships work when men and women do what God says that REAL men and REAL women do. When a husband loves his wife like Christ does the church, and a wife respects her husband as God asks her to, the impact of the judgments is gone!

Marriage failures are much less likely when a woman STARTS respecting and STOPS controlling. And, when a man STARTS loving – pursuing his wife’s best – STOPS “ruling” her and abdicating leadership.

The power of God’s ways easily handles the difficulties imposed by the judgments, but NOT if either husband or wife starts “flashing their ME.”

Pay Attention to YOUR Behavior - Not Theirs!

Please notice the imaginary statement from God in the graph above. “Pay attention to YOUR behavior, not theirs – do what I ask YOU to do!” That is the ONLY way that you will stop “flashing your ME”! The judgments focus your attention on how your needs aren’t being met. They encourage concentrating on getting other people or things to meet your needs. But God’s statements are for each of us to choose, not for us to try to make others choose. Yes, you are to speak God’s truth into another person's life, but it is God’s job to change them. (You will learn more about this course 8b - Freedom and Choice.)

So, the power to overcome the judgments comes from God. That is His sovereignty and His ability to control all things. But, even though God can, He does not force us to choose His way. That is your responsibility.

Note What God DOES NOT SAY

When He states that a wife is to respect her own husband (Ephesians 5:22) and that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-31). Please notice what God DOES NOT say. “Husbands, get your wife to respect you. And, wives, make sure that your husband loves you.”

When you start focusing on what God asks of YOU, you STOP participating in your judgment. The judgment focuses your attention on what the other person is doing or not doing. START paying attention to YOUR behavior, not theirs!

Of course, please don’t do this if you enjoy the pain of the judgments!