They Need to Change

When you make the Dictator mistake, you think that they need to change. You may try to force others to do things your way, or you are a "good person up to no good." The second approach is seldom seen as bad, because you believe that if you are not the "Jr. Holy Spirit" in their life, they will never change or, much worse, they "will die lonely and sad," if you are not diligent in pointing out their bad behavior.

Have You Ever Tried to Change Somebody?

Of course, you have!

You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with that?” Perhaps nothing – it depends on who the beneficiary of the change is. Do you want them to change, just because it would be best for them? Or do you want them to change so that you could finally breathe a sigh of relief that they have changed?

This mistake, like the others, drives you to operate in fear, which in turn prompts you to become manipulative or domineering toward them. The end result you want – they change!

You may argue that they are doing things that harm themselves, their family, their friends, and possibly even you, so they must change to stop the damage that has occurred and will continue to do so. Notice the fear?

Two things prevent your objectivity, though. First, you do not know the future. You do not know that this will continue. Probabilities may be great, but the future is unknown to you. Second, and most important, you are not living in reality, because change is their decision, not yours! You are trying to assume control of something you cannot control – them! You have convinced yourself that you can control them, but the reality is you cannot.

Furthermore, you can provide them with the right objective truth, presented with great passion and persuasion, but they may still not change. State it with subtlety or with power; even if you assume you do it perfectly, they may still not change. Why? The decision is theirs, not yours.

Who Is the Beneficiary

So, stop and think about the question that was asked. Who is the beneficiary of their change? The beneficiary is actually you, not them!

So, the REAL end result you want is – they change, so you can be happy!

To see this, you will need to be objective and not let your lousy thinking guide you. A reasonable barometer of how controlling you may be is the level of emotions you have invested in them changing. The more your emotions are tied to their change, the greater the likelihood that you will try to change them. That is a red flag being waved to let you know you are living in the Dictator mistake!