Different by DESIGN not by Decision! | GR8 Relationships

Different by DESIGN not by Decision!

God made men and women different by design not by their decision. And, those design differences are the foundation for a complimentary relationship. But Satan uses the differences to create conflict and arguments about who is better.

Worse, Satan distorts the idea that the design of men and women is not "wired in", instead it is based on some personal decision based on how you feel!

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"So, God created man in His own image; in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them." - Genesis 1:27

Satan is the father of confusion. He does not encourage the simplicity of God's creation design of men and women. Instead, He promotes a fantasy world where you decide your design rather than accept your design. 

The research in the The New Atlantis article below is helpful in the current identity discussion. Of course, it falls short of the clear truth in God's Word.

Hormones Are the Foundation of the Different Designs

The different designs are apparent when you look at the basic hormones of men and women. For example, look at the simple lists below. 


  • Aggressive
  • Risk Taking
  • Assertive
  • Rough
  • Powerful
  • Doing
  • Leader
  • Interest outside home
  • Career Oriented
  • Hard Touch
  • Separate
  • Impersonal & Logical
  • Independent
  • Intimidating


  • Cautious
  • Risk Averse
  • Responsive
  • Soft
  • Relational
  • Being
  • Helper
  • Interest inside home
  • Home Oriented
  • Soft Touch
  • Belonging
  • Gentle & Merciful
  • Dependent
  • Approachable

Before going further, please note that a man has a basic need for "significance" and "be respected". But for a woman, her basic need is for "safety, security" and "to be loved". Now with that in mind, look at the information God provides in Ephesians 5:22-31.

Designs of Men and Women

Do you notice any similarity to the needs and the hormone lists? It seems like you can summarize the testosterone list with these two words - powerful and separate. And, you can summarize the estrogen-progesterone list with - relational and belonging.

Of course, a man may not identify with each word in the left column and a woman may not identify with each word on the right. And that is expected, because it points to an important issue. There are 2 "D" words to consider - DESIGN and DEVELOPMENT for each person.

This may be a silly example, but consider a butter knife. The DESIGN of a butter knife allows it to spread butter or similar softer items. Can it be used for other things? Certainly! You can use it as a steak knife, flat head screw driver, or even a hammer. But that is not what it was DESIGNED to do. Additionally, it would not do those things well. In order for the butter knife to do those other tasks better, its design needs to be altered.

Now assume the butter knife can make decisions. Suppose it wants to be something other than a butter knife. Of course, that decision does not change its DESIGN, so it is in a difficult situation. It does not want to be the way it is designed. That thinking then drives the need for other decisions and actions. For example, it may try to override the design through DEVELOPING different actions: act more like a hammer, convince itself that it is a hammer, or just live like a hammer. Obviously, it could also resort to altering its DESIGN to be more like a hammer. 

Think about it! Wouldn't it be easier to simply live in the reality that it is a butter knife? And, despite any changes, the original design is still true, even if altered.

That may be a silly example, but it is what the pseudo-intellectuals propose for human beings. Worse, they want to teach young children that is normal behavior.

Practical Application

In my leadership and relationship coaching, I find when I help men and women understand their design, it helps them do their role better. For example, when I work with women executives I want them to know their best leadership will come through their amazing ability to relate rather than be powerful. When they try to be powerful, it takes them out of their design. Obviously, power is what the world teaches women, but actually, their power comes through relating, not through becoming more like a man. When women try to act more like a man, it too often turns into the "B" word. So, it is better to move back into their exceptional relational design rather than develop something outside their design.

For men, the world wants them to be more relational like a woman. Why? Because the world sees masculinity as destructive. But, power is constructive as well as destructive. For example, nuclear power is constructive (nuclear electric generating plant) or destructive (bomb). The same is true of the power of testosterone. 

So, men and women who learn how to operate in their design, see it is not only more productive, it also reduces stress and tension.

Just to remind us again, here is good and Godly thinking about men and women.


Interesting Research

There are numerous research studies and books that verify the differences between men and women. BUT it is not politically correct to talk about how different men are from women. While it is obvious from simple observation and research, the differences are downplayed, discouraged, and dismissed.

Read Brain Sex: The Real Difference Between Men & Women written by Anne Moir and David Jessel. It doesn't pose as exhaustive research, but is good information about the differences. And, these differences, if ignored, create problems for you and your relationships.

Finally, an interesting article in a blog on the Daily Signal is worth reading. The title is "Almost Everything the Media Tell You About Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Is Wrong". The full article is on The New Atlantis. It isn't about the differences between men and women, but it is about decisions on identity. The research doesn't discuss the clear designs that God has ordained, but they do provide 4 conclusions in the right direction:

  • ...people are ‘born that way’—is not supported by scientific evidence
  • ...a person might be a "man trapped in a woman’s body" or "a woman trapped in a man’s body" - is not supported by scientific evidence
  • Only a minority of children who express gender-atypical thoughts or behavior will continue to do so into adolescence or adulthood. There is no evidence that all such children should be encouraged to become transgender, much less subjected to hormone treatments or surgery
  • Non-heterosexual and transgender people have higher rates of mental health problems (anxiety, depression, suicide), as well as behavioral and social problems (substance abuse, intimate partner violence), than the general population.

The research does not support homosexuality or heterosexuality as biological and does not support it as a decision either. They just state it is "complex". That is the standard side step when you want to be inclusive. But they did state that there is a developmental issue related to sexual abuse as a child.

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