Too many relationships are based on the Actor Mistake of "wearing a mask." REAL relationships are great because they are built with REAL people.
The Actor Mistake
If you go to the self-help section of a bookstore, guess what you will find. There will be multiple books that promote the Actor Mistake. The authors give relationship damaging advice like, “If you want to win their heart, you need to be someone they want. So if they like football, but you don’t, it’s time to become a football fan.”
When you are an “Actor,” you often believe others will not like or accept you if you are just you. So, you create an "Actor" personality or skill that masks the real you and presents what you want others to see instead.
...but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head - Christ -- Ephesians 4:15
And, some people wear many different masks, one here, another there, and a different one with those people. It takes a lot of energy to wear the masks, because you have to remember your different roles.
But there is a big problem!
The strategy will backfire.
The REAL you always shows up at some point!
Actors Don't Seek or Share the Truth
There are other simple ways that you become an Actor and not have real relationships. For example, you “dance around” problems in a relationship and act like everything's okay. BUT it isn't!
“We just don’t talk about that!” Consider the implication of that statement - “I am free to lie, but I’m not free to share the truth”. Just reading this hopefully creates tension with your value of "...speaking the truth in love..."
"It takes 2 REAL people to have a REAL relationship" - Robert Fritz
Are you a REAL person? When you are yourself and accept others as they are, that creates the best chance for REAL relationships - no manipulation, no masks.
Actors Learn to Lie
Finally, this is where all of us become Actors. Not telling the truth is easy because of our sin nature works against real relationships. And it becomes even easier to be an Actor when others don’t want to hear the truth.
In fact, you can be taught to lie or you can teach others to lie in 3 simple steps. So, if you want to teach someone to lie -
- Ask them a simple question like, “Do I look good in these clothes?”
- If they do not give you the right answer, show anger, disgust, pain, anguish or any similar emotion to let them know the answer was WRONG
- Ask another similar question to see if they have learned how to "lie" to you.
It’s the stereotypical situation where the wife asks her husband, “Honey, do these pants make me look fat?” Typically, that drives him to put on his mask – he has been taught to lie, because he does not want to experience the pain of sharing the truth.
It's like a friend of mine after he told his wife the truth about some of her behavior. When he saw me later he said, “I checked the claws on that cat and I’m not going back there again.”
Please, don't be an ACTOR. You can have REAL relationships through the strength of Christ who created you. He wants you to be the channel of His living water to show Himself through YOU to the world. How much better could it be - REAL relationships based on Jesus Himself!
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