Freedom and Control People

Practicing freedom and control is seldom easy, but it becomes easier once you see the benefits. Part of the difficulty is control people are often “good people up to no good.” I could be the poster child for the control person disease. It created severe damage in all my relationships.

Freedom Is Misunderstood

Control is a problem because freedom is a thorny issue for most people. Practicing freedom is seldom easy, but it becomes easier once you see the benefits.

People want to be free and enjoy the idea of being free. We have an innate, built-in longing to be free, not be controlled. Freedom and control were critical elements in the original sin. Adam and Eve were free to choose what was terrible. Satan knew that and encouraged them to exercise their freedom irresponsibly and not be controlled by God. Satan was implying that God was limiting their freedom regarding the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil! 

Although freedom is part of our DNA, and we long for it, freedom brings fear when you do not understand it. “Will I make the right choices since I am free? Will they make the right choices since (or when) they are free?”

I recall the moment when reality struck me about being free from my parents. There was more fear than joy due to seeing that I was now responsible for my life. That may be what some refer to as the “age of accountability.” A similar issue occurs when considering another person and their choices. You will either be malevolent – a dictator, or believe you are benevolent.

Freedom and Control - Benevolent or Malevolent

On the benevolent side, if people are free, will they care for themselves? Will they make wise choices? Will they be responsible or irresponsible? If they are irresponsible, how will that reflect on me? How much can I trust that they will make good decisions when they are not as _____ (fill in the blank) as me? Since they are unaware of all the dangers, I must be persistent in my approach to prevent them from making poor choices.

On the nasty side, will it interfere with what I want if people are free? Will they work against me or with me? How can I neutralize or eliminate those who will not do what I want? How much pressure or pain will be required to get them to do what I want?

Mostly Good People Up to No Good

While many may be malevolent, I speculate that control people tend to be well-intentioned – GOOD PEOPLE UP TO NO GOOD. They fear that bad things will happen if freedom is allowed; therefore, control kicks in – to manipulate or dominate – in an attempt to prevent those bad things from happening.

Control people see potential danger in many, if not most, situations. Then, if others do not share those perceptions, they think, “Why don’t others see how dangerous things are? That is not fun; that is dangerous. They must not be very wise. They need protection and my help for their good.”

Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. – C.S. Lewis

Good Intentions Are Still Control

You may be a person with good intentions, but it doesn't matter – it still damages relationships. To provide protection, you initiate rules and regulations. Driven by fear, you discount thoughts or input from others because they cannot see the danger. You are on defense, defending yourself and everyone from “potential dangers.” Disagreements are often seen as personal attacks because “I know what is right, you don’t. Why are you attacking me when I only want what is best for you?” It takes a lot of energy to be a control person because there are many ways people can mess things up or get themselves into trouble!

People tolerate control (manipulation or domination) for a while, but in a relationship, it becomes miserable and, at some point, intolerable. Consider the opposite side, the one controlled. They seldom cheerfully submit to control – instead, they devise counterstrategies to assert their freedom. Sometimes their strategy would be to counter-control by avoiding the relationship completely – to maintain their autonomy or independence.

If you want total security, go to prison. There you're fed, clothed, given medical care, and so on. The only thing lacking…is freedom. – Dwight D. Eisenhower

Why Are They So Difficult?

When you are a controlling person, you cannot understand why others don’t want to be around you. “Why are they being so difficult? Can't they see the benefits? I want what is best for them.”

That may be true, but control violates the freedom and choice that others have.

And, control people are often the biggest target of their control strategy. You will worry, obsess, warn, criticize, and work hard to keep yourself in line.

Control people may love and cheer for freedom as a value, but it is a threat when others have it. “They will not be responsible with their freedom and, therefore, bad things will happen.” So, you react to imagined danger, which also overshadows valuing their freedom.