Discover the telltale signs of a controlling person, explore what drives controlling behavior, and learn the counterintuitive answer for reclaiming your peace in a controlling relationship.

The Struggle is Real: An Introduction to Controlling Relationships

Controlling relationships can be emotionally draining and challenging to navigate, whether the controlling behavior comes from a spouse, family member, or friend. As followers of Christ, we are called to love one another deeply and to treat each other with kindness, compassion, and respect. However, when faced with a controlling person, it can be difficult to know how to respond in a way that honors God and maintains our well-being.

The Bible offers guidance on dealing with controlling behavior in relationships. In Galatians 5:13-14, Paul writes, "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another. For the whole law is fulfilled in one word: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'" (ESV) This passage reminds us that we are called to love and serve others. At the same time, we want to guard against being controlled or manipulated in the process.

In this article, we'll take a closer look at the signs of a controlling person, explore the underlying reasons for controlling behavior, and discuss practical, biblically-based strategies for setting boundaries and breaking free from the grip of a controlling relationship.

Recognizing the Red Flags: Signs of a Controlling Person in a Relationship

Controlling people often display distinct characteristics that can help you identify their behavior. Some common signs of a controlling person in a relationship include:

1. A need for things to be done their way: Controlling individuals often desire to dictate every aspect of the relationship.
2. A critical and judgmental attitude: They may frequently criticize or belittle their partner, making them feel small or inadequate. Common words used are should, must, and have to. Notice how often you may be using them.
3. A lack of respect for your freedom and boundaries: Controlling people accept their freedom but disregard their partner's freedom and boundaries, which imposes their wants and needs on the relationship.
4. Manipulative tactics: They may use guilt, shame, or other emotional manipulation to get their way or to keep their partner in line.

As believers, we are reminded in Proverbs 29:11 that "A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back." (ESV) Controlling individuals often struggle with managing their emotions. That often leads to unhealthy behaviors in their relationships.

The Root of the Problem: What Drives Controlling Behavior in Relationships?

How do you effectively deal with a controlling person in a relationship? It's essential to understand what motivates their behavior from a biblical perspective. Some common underlying factors include:

1. The sin nature and its desire for power: Since the Fall, mankind's sin nature has driven us to make everything about ME. Since the Fall, we pursue our way, instead of acting like Christ (Philippians 2:3-8).
2. Lack of trust in God's sovereignty: When individuals fail to trust God's perfect plan and provision, they often attempt to control their circumstances and relationships to find security apart from Him.
3. Unresolved conflicts: Past hurts, betrayals, or traumas can sometimes manifest as controlling behavior when not brought to God for healing and restoration.
4. Misunderstanding biblical roles: When husbands or wives misinterpret or misapply Scriptures about headship and submission, it can lead to controlling and manipulative behavior in marriage.

By recognizing these underlying spiritual issues, we can approach the situation with compassion and wisdom while upholding God's design for healthy, Christ-centered relationships.

The Counterintuitive Answer: Simple Options for Dealing with a Controlling Spouse or Partner

When dealing with a controlling spouse or partner, you may fall into the trap of becoming a controlling person toward them. Setting clear, consistent boundaries is reasonable and wise, but not if your energy focuses on trying to control them. 

The counterintuitive answer requires love and freedom. An excellent definition of love is “Pursuing their best patiently, kindly, sacrificially, and unconditionally.” In other words, focus on loving them like Jesus loves you. You cannot do that without Jesus’s strength (Philippians 4:13). Your sin nature hates this because it does not try to control them; even worse for your sin nature, it means Jesus is living His life through you.

The second part is freedom, and this part really irritates your sin nature. It is imperative to live in reality and accept their freedom to try to control you. Wow, you probably did not want to hear that! But that is reality. Not accepting reality forces you into fantasy land and drives you to initiate your control strategies on them. Also, please remember that when control is in a relationship, the relationship becomes intolerable. 

Using the Answer

When we use the counterintuitive answer, we refocus on the most crucial thought about our lives. Jesus will judge us for what we do, not whether we are His child. When judged, we will answer for our behavior in all our relationships. That behavior will either be like Jesus or like our sin nature. There are no other options.

Here are some other simple options grounded in biblical principles:

1. Communicate with grace and truth: Use gentle, non-confrontational language to express your thoughts and needs, while also standing firm in the truth of God's Word (Ephesians 4:15). A simple change in your communication is to seek permission whenever you want to provide input or feedback.
2. Establish and maintain godly boundaries: Prayerfully determine the limits you want to set to honor God in your relationship. Stand firm on these boundaries without allowing your boundaries to turn you into a controlling person.
3. Seek godly counsel and support: Surround yourself with wise, trusted advisors who can offer biblical guidance, prayer, and encouragement as you navigate this challenging situation (Proverbs 11:14).
4. Pray for your spouse and your marriage: Commit to regularly praying for Jesus to live through you to strengthen you to love them and accept their freedom. Intercede for your controlling partner, asking God to soften their heart, grant them wisdom, and bring healing to your relationship (James 5:16).

Remember, as followers of Christ, we are called to pursue their best patiently, kindly, sacrificially, and unconditionally (Ephesians 4:32). 

Trusting God's Plan: A Conclusion and Encouragement

Dealing with a controlling person in a relationship, especially a controlling spouse, is an opportunity to become more like Jesus Christ. Please do not bury this opportunity like the One Talent Servant (Luke 19:11-27). When you recognize the signs of controlling behavior, understand its spiritual roots, and implement the biblically-based counterintuitive answer, you restore the wisdom, peace, and power of Jesus’s life and the Holy Spirit in and through you.

Trust God's perfect plan and provision for your life and your relationship. In Isaiah 41:10, God reminds us, "Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (ESV) Take comfort in knowing that you are never alone! God is always working for your good and His glory, even amidst the challenges of a controlling relationship.