Unforgiveness is a significant relational obstacle, so it makes sense to examine unforgiveness in the Bible to understand its dangers.

Have you ever felt that knot in your stomach when someone mentions the name of someone who deeply hurt you? Or perhaps you've experienced that immediate tension when you're reminded of a painful betrayal from your past. If so, you may be experiencing the weight of unforgiveness—a burden many people carry, often without realizing how heavy it's become.

God tells us in His Word that sin has clear consequences, and what He says about unforgiveness in the Bible is no exception. While we may feel justified in holding onto our resentment, Scripture paints a very different picture of what unforgiveness does to us and what forgiveness can offer.

Defining Unforgiveness from a Biblical Perspective

What exactly is unforgiveness according to the Bible? At its core, an unforgiveness definition can be refusing to release someone from the debt of their offense against you. It's holding onto hurt, nurturing resentment, and maintaining a record of wrongs that someone has committed.

Biblically speaking, unforgiveness is the opposite of what God calls us to in Ephesians 4:32: "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you."

Unforgiveness manifests as:

• Harboring bitterness toward someone who has wronged you
• Desiring revenge or hoping for their misfortune
• Regularly rehearsing the offense in your mind
• Defining a person by their worst actions
• Allowing past hurts to control your present emotions and decisions

The biblical understanding of unforgiveness sees it not merely as a neutral response to injury but as a spiritual issue that directly contradicts God's character and commands.

Key Scriptures That Address Unforgiveness

Scripture speaks clearly and consistently about unforgiveness. Here are several scriptures on unforgiveness that reveal God's perspective.

Jesus directly links our willingness to forgive with receiving God's forgiveness.

Matthew 6:14-15 - "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Unforgiveness becomes a barrier to effective prayer.

Mark 11:25 - "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses." 

Jesus commands repeated forgiveness without limits.

Luke 17:3-4 - "Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, 'I repent,' you shall forgive him."

We're called to forgive as Christ forgave us—completely and sacrificially.

Colossians 3:13 - "Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do." 

In the parable of the unforgiving servant, Jesus illustrates how our unforgiveness toward others is revealed in light of God's immense forgiveness toward us.

Matthew 18:21-35 - The servant who was forgiven much but refused to forgive little faced severe consequences.

Unforgiveness is like other harmful behaviors that should have no place in a believer's life.

Ephesians 4:31-32 - "Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."

Unforgiveness in the Bible is not merely a personal choice with limited consequences—it's a spiritual issue that affects our relationship with God and others.

The Six Dire Consequences of Unforgiveness

While holding onto unforgiveness may feel justified or even satisfying in the moment, Scripture verses on unforgiveness reveal that it comes with severe consequences. Here are six devastating effects of unforgiveness:

1. Loss of a Walk with God

1 John 4:20-21 - If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.

The great news is that even if you don't forgive, you still have the gift of eternal life with our Lord Jesus Christ if you've placed your faith in Him. You are still God's child. But your unforgiving spirit separates you from fellowship with God. It creates a barrier to enjoying the benefits of dependence on His wisdom and growing more of the Fruit of the Spirit in your life.

2. Loss of Health and Vitality

Psalm 32:3-4 - When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the summer drought.

David's words in Psalm 32 vividly illustrate the physical toll of unresolved sin, including unforgiveness. Research increasingly confirms what Scripture has always taught—bitterness and grudges negatively impact physical health, contributing to problems like:

• Increased stress levels
• Elevated blood pressure
• Weakened immune system
• Sleep disturbances
• Chronic pain

While not all sicknesses are directly connected to unforgiveness, the connection between spiritual and physical health is undeniable. God did not design our bodies to carry the toxic weight of resentment.

3. Loss of Joy

"It is a simple but sometimes forgotten truth that the greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness." - Robert G. Menzies.

Unforgiveness in the Bible confirms this insight in passages like Proverbs 15:17: "Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred." The only alternative to forgiveness is vengeance and bitterness. There is no middle ground, no matter how you try to avoid the issue.

Hebrews 12:15 warns us to look "carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled." Bitterness and joy cannot coexist in the same heart. One will inevitably push the other out.

4. Loss of Freedom: Consumed with, Controlled by, and Conformed to be Like the Offender

Loss of freedom is a severe consequence of unforgiveness, and it is all too easy to fall into this trap.

Consumed with the offender - How can you be free when you spend so much time thinking about how they hurt you? Your mind is stuck on resolving something that only God can handle effectively. Spending that much time thinking about them is like building a lovely house in your mind for them and moving them in rent-free.

Controlled by the offender - They not only consume your mind, but worse yet, they control you. The longer you carry a grudge, the more it controls your thoughts, actions, and feelings about them. The more you want vengeance, the more energy drains from you as you plot, seek, or try to get revenge.

Conformed to be like the offender - Consider this: if you want to learn golf or tennis, you spend time playing and thinking about it. When you immerse yourself in something, it becomes part of you. The more energy you use and time you spend thinking about the person who wronged you, the greater the chance they have to influence your thoughts and actions. You increase the possibility of becoming just like them.

5. Loss of Hope

Depression is often born from an unhealthy focus on past events. It can be born from trying to control a past event, dwelling on the unfairness of what happened, and the loss of hope for justice. Hope, like joy, doesn't grow from vengeance, bitterness, or holding grudges. Hope takes root in the soil of forgiveness.

Can you right a wrong that has occurred in the past? Of course not! It happened; it is a fact, part of history, and you cannot change it. But you can accept that it happened, learn from it, forgive, and move on because your PERFECT Father God knows about it and will turn it into the "best" for you as you trust Him.

6. Loss of Future Generations' Health

Exodus 20:5 - For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.

Research consistently shows that parents pass on unresolved issues to their children. The feuds and hatreds of people and families who cling to bitterness are evidence of the tenacity of sin and its transmission from one generation to the next. Attitudes, words, and actions pass on to your children. Even if they learn from your mistakes and do not repeat them, they still suffer in other ways because of your mistakes.

The good news is that God provides a solution: "...but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments" (Exodus 20:6). Your choice to forgive doesn't just impact you—it sets a pattern that can influence your family for generations.

The PROBLEM: Unforgiveness Makes Everything About ME

At its root, unforgiveness manifests the fundamental PROBLEM in all relationships: making everything about ME. When we refuse to forgive, we're essentially saying that MY...

• Hurt is too significant to release
• Right to justice outweighs God's command to forgive
• Feelings matter more than God's instructions
• Way of handling this situation is better than God's way

James 3:16 offers profound insight into this self-focus: "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there." When unforgiveness takes root, it's always connected to self-seeking, making the situation about our pain, rights, and justice rather than submitting to God's way.

Unforgiveness turns us into victims rather than victors. We believe that the person who hurt us must change or face consequences before we can move forward, effectively surrendering our freedom to the person who hurt us.

The SOLUTION: Embracing Biblical Forgiveness

God doesn't just identify problems without providing solutions. The biblical solution to unforgiveness is, unsurprisingly, forgiveness—but perhaps not in the way many people understand it.

Two Critical Forgiveness Questions

Most people struggle to define love, and the same can be said for forgiveness. Adding to the confusion is not knowing if you forgave. That leaves us with two critical questions.

• What is the definition of forgiveness?
• How can I know if I have forgiven?

The seven-step process answers those questions. The definition is outlined in step 3, and the verification of forgiveness is detailed in step 6. Instead of making you wait for the definition, here it is.

Long Definition - 

A choice to lay the offense down, not mark or pay attention to where you laid it, and never use it against them, not in your thoughts, speech, or actions.

Short Definition - 

Never abusing them for the wrong they did to you
- not in thought, word, or action.

You can find the answer to the second question by reading step 6.

The Seven-Step Process for Forgiveness

You may not need a process to forgive, but many people need the concreteness of steps they can follow. The trauma from another person’s words or actions is often called wounds. The wound may not be physical, but it is still painful. Therefore, the steps used for treating a physical wound serve as a helpful guide for forgiveness, making it easier to understand. 

1. Face Their Humanity (Stop the Bleeding) 
2. Overlook Revenge (Clean the Wound)
3. Renew Your Mind (Apply Antibiotic)
4. Give It Up, Grasp It No More (Cover the Wound)
5. Apply Your Decision (Change the Dressing Regularly)
6. Validate and Verify Your Decision (Look for Signs of Infection)
7. Enjoy Freedom and Healing

You can learn more details about the seven steps here.

How Forgiveness Frees You from Pain

Forgiveness frees you from the pain you feel now for wrongs done to you in the past. When you forgive, you put the past where it belongs—in the past. You remove its power to control your thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Most people look for vengeance rather than forgiveness. But when you understand the consequences of unforgiveness in the Bible and the power of forgiveness, the past no longer controls you. You move the past out of the present, enjoying today and moving forward into the future.

Clarifying What Forgiveness Is NOT

To fully embrace biblical forgiveness, we need to clear up some common misconceptions:

Forgiveness is not pardoning: It does not remove natural or legal consequences. It can lessen those consequences in many situations, but it doesn't address the justice that may be required. You no longer pay attention to the offense or mark it against them, but appropriate consequences may still occur.

Forgiveness is not forgetting: It would not be necessary if you could forget a wrong. Forgiveness is only needed because we remember. It heals, healing leaves scars, and scars are GOOD! They remind us of what God has brought us through.

Forgiveness is not restoration or reunion: It focuses on the inner person. God is for restoration and reconciliation—and it may occur—but it is not part of forgiveness, nor does it require it. Sometimes, reunion is impossible or not the best. The other person may have moved away, remarried, or even passed away. Additionally, reunion can be harmful.

Dr. Fred Lybrand wisely notes, "Good relationships leave a trail of resolved issues." Picture a couple walking side by side with nothing between them. Behind them on the path are packages of resolved issues they've forgiven and moved past. That's the reality of how relationships grow and work through difficulties.

Conclusion

The Bible presents unforgiveness not as a reasonable response to hurt, but as a dangerous spiritual condition with severe consequences. By understanding what Scripture teaches about unforgiveness, we can recognize its destructive power in our lives and embrace God's liberating alternative of forgiveness.

The past is over. Move on! Trust God to redeem your past! He knows what is best for you. He is using this situation for your and the other person's best. Trust His PERFECTION! Doing it any other way will create more problems.

Forgiveness opens up a new future before you and gives you a fresh perspective on those who have hurt you. It may be the one act that allows you to imitate God, the original Master Forgiver. The choice is yours—the consequences of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness!

FAQ: Common Questions About Unforgiveness in the Bible

What is the definition of unforgiveness in the Bible?

Biblically, unforgiveness means refusing to release someone from the debt of their offense against you. Scripture portrays it as holding onto resentment, bitterness, and a desire for revenge rather than extending the grace and mercy God has shown us. Ephesians 4:31-32 describes it as the opposite of God's call to be "kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another."

What scriptures talk about unforgiveness?

Key scriptures addressing unforgiveness include Matthew 6:14-15, where Jesus links our forgiveness of others to receiving God's forgiveness; Matthew 18:21-35, the parable of the unforgiving servant; Mark 11:25, which connects forgiveness to effective prayer; Ephesians 4:31-32, which calls us to put away bitterness; and Colossians 3:13, which commands us to forgive as Christ forgave us.

Does unforgiveness block blessings?

Yes, the Bible indicates that unforgiveness creates spiritual blockages. Matthew 6:15 indicates that our unforgiveness toward others somehow affects God's forgiveness toward us. Mark 11:25 connects forgiveness with effective prayer. 1 John 4:20-21 indicates that unforgiveness damages our relationship with God. These scriptures collectively demonstrate that unforgiveness creates barriers to receiving God's full blessings in our lives.

How do I overcome unforgiveness according to the Bible?

The Bible teaches that overcoming unforgiveness involves: 1) Recognizing Christ's forgiveness toward you (Ephesians 4:32); 2) Acknowledging the offense without minimizing it; 3) Choosing to cancel the debt through a deliberate act of the will; 4) Releasing the offender and the offense to God's perfect justice (Romans 12:19); and 5) Depending on the Holy Spirit's power rather than your strength. Forgiveness is a renewing of the mind process that reminds you that you have forgiven, as memories resurface.

Can you forgive someone who isn't sorry?

Yes, biblical forgiveness doesn't require the offender's repentance. While reconciliation typically requires repentance from both parties, forgiveness is a one-sided act that frees you regardless of the offender's response. Jesus demonstrated this on the cross when He said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). Your forgiveness isn't contingent on their acknowledgment of wrongdoing.