What does the Bible say about unforgiveness that this elderly man needs to know? Are you following his example and thinking?

The elderly man stood at the podium, his voice quavering slightly as he shared his story. "For thirty years, I hated my father for what he did to our family," he confessed. "That bitterness poisoned every relationship I had—including my relationship with God. I was trapped in a prison of my own making."

His story is not unique. Unforgiveness has destroyed relationships, divided churches, split families, and even led to wars between nations. Its toxic power affects millions of lives daily, yet many people—including Christians—struggle to understand what the Bible actually teaches about unforgiveness and how to overcome it.

What does God's Word say about this destructive force? And more importantly, what solution does Scripture offer for those caught in its grip?

The Biblical Landscape: Key Verses on Unforgiveness

The Bible speaks extensively about forgiveness and unforgiveness, providing a comprehensive picture of God's perspective on this critical issue. Let's examine what Scripture says across both the Old and New Testaments.

Old Testament Passages

Even before Christ's explicit teaching on forgiveness, the Old Testament established foundational principles about releasing offenses:

Leviticus 19:18 - "You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD."

This verse directly forbids holding grudges and links forgiveness to the command to love others—a command Jesus later identified as one of the two greatest commandments.

Proverbs 17:9 - "He who covers a transgression seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates friends."

The wisdom literature promotes covering (forgiving) offenses rather than repeatedly bringing them up—a hallmark of unforgiveness.

Psalms 32:1-5 - "Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered... When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the drought of summer... I acknowledged my sin to You, and my iniquity I have not hidden. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,' and You forgave the iniquity of my sin."

David's experience reveals the physical and emotional toll of unresolved sin, which includes unforgiveness.

New Testament Passages

What does the bible say about unforgiveness in the New Testament? Jesus and the apostles provided even clearer teaching about unforgiveness:

Matthew 6:14-15 - "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Jesus establishes a direct connection between our willingness to forgive others and our receipt of God's forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21-35 - The parable of the unforgiving servant dramatically illustrates God's view of unforgiveness. A servant forgiven an enormous debt refuses to forgive a fellow servant a much smaller debt. The master's response is severe: "You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?" The unforgiving servant is then delivered to "the torturers" until he can pay his debt.

Jesus concludes with this sobering application: "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses."

Mark 11:25 - "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses."

Jesus links unforgiveness to hindered prayer, showing that it creates a spiritual barrier.

Ephesians 4:32 - "And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."

Paul frames forgiveness as a reflection of God's forgiveness toward us, making unforgiveness a rejection of God's example.

2 Corinthians 2:5-11 - "Now if anyone has caused grief... you ought rather to forgive and comfort him... lest perhaps such a one be swallowed up with too much sorrow... whom you forgive anything, I also forgive... lest Satan should take advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of his devices."

Paul warns that unforgiveness creates an opportunity for Satan to gain advantage, revealing the spiritual danger of harboring resentment.

What Unforgiveness Really Means in Scripture

Based on these passages, we can develop a biblical understanding of what unforgiveness really means.

The Greek and Hebrew Terminology

The biblical languages provide essential insights into the concept of unforgiveness:

• In Hebrew, the concept of unforgiveness is linked to words like "natar" (to keep, maintain anger) and "shemor" (to guard, keep, preserve)—in this case, preserving a record of wrongs.
• In Greek, unforgiveness is portrayed as the opposite of "aphiēmi" (to release, let go, forgive) and related to concepts like "pikria" (bitterness) and "mēnis" (fixed anger, wrath).

These terms reveal that unforgiveness isn't merely an absence of forgiveness but an active condition involving the deliberate maintenance of resentment and recording of wrongs.

The Biblical Connection Between Unforgiveness and Bitterness

Scripture frequently links unforgiveness to bitterness, as seen in Hebrews 12:15: "Looking carefully lest anyone fall short of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled."

This connection is significant because:

• Bitterness, like a root, grows deeper over time
• Bitterness spreads beyond the original offense to "defile many"
• Bitterness represents a "falling short of the grace of God"

How Unforgiveness Manifests as a Heart Condition

Jesus emphasized that forgiveness must be "from the heart" (Matthew 18:35), indicating that unforgiveness is fundamentally a heart condition, not merely a lack of outward reconciliation.

In Mark 7:21-23, Jesus explains that evil things, including "evil thoughts," come "from within, out of the heart of men." Unforgiveness begins as an internal heart condition before manifesting in external behaviors, such as avoiding the offender, speaking ill of them, or seeking revenge.

Unforgiveness as Refusal to Trust God with Justice

Romans 12:19 instructs, "Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, 'Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,' says the Lord."

Biblical unforgiveness often involves attempting to serve as judge, jury, and executioner rather than trusting God's perfect justice. It represents a lack of faith in God's promise to make all things right.

Unforgiveness as Self-Focus Rather Than God-Focus

At its core, unforgiveness makes everything about "ME" rather than God. James 3:16 reveals the connection: "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."

Unforgiveness keeps the focus on MY...

• Hurt and pain
• Right to justice
• Need for vindication
• Timeline for healing

This self-focus directly contradicts Jesus' call to deny ourselves and follow Him (Matthew 16:24).

Six Biblical Consequences of Harboring Unforgiveness

Scripture reveals at least six severe consequences that come from harboring unforgiveness:

1. Loss of Fellowship with God

1 John 4:20-21 - If someone says, "I love God," and hates his brother, he is a liar; for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how can he love God whom he has not seen? And this commandment we have from Him: that he who loves God must love his brother also.

Unforgiveness creates a barrier in our relationship with God. While believers who harbor unforgiveness don't lose their salvation, they experience a broken fellowship with their heavenly Father. This separation deprives us of the intimacy God desires to have with His children and blocks the benefits of depending on His wisdom.

2. Physical and Mental Health Impacts

Psalm 32:3-4 - When I kept silent, my bones grew old through my groaning all the day long. For day and night Your hand was heavy upon me; my vitality was turned into the drought of summer.

David's vivid description of the physical toll of unresolved sin parallels the effects of unforgiveness. Modern research increasingly confirms the biblical connection between bitterness and physical health problems, including increased stress, elevated blood pressure, weakened immune function, and chronic pain.

The mental health impacts are equally severe, including:

• Persistent rumination on past hurts
• Anxiety and depression
• Intrusive thoughts about the offense
• Difficulty experiencing joy and peace

3. Loss of Joy and Spiritual Vitality

Proverbs 15:17 - Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a fatted calf with hatred.

This proverb captures a profound truth: no amount of external prosperity can compensate for the internal misery of hatred and unforgiveness. Joy and bitterness cannot coexist in the same heart. As Robert G. Menzies observed, "The greatest enemy to present joy and high hopes is the cultivation of retrospective bitterness."

Unforgiveness also hinders spiritual growth, as Hebrews 12:15 warns that bitterness not only troubles us but "defiles many." This spiritual stagnation prevents the development of the fruit of the Spirit in our lives.

4. Loss of Freedom Through Obsession with the Offense

Unforgiveness creates a triple bondage:

Consumed with the offender - Unforgiveness keeps you mentally fixated on the person who hurt you. Your mind becomes stuck trying to resolve something only God can handle. It's like building a house in your mind for the offender and letting them live there rent-free, consuming your mental and emotional resources.

Controlled by the offender - The longer you hold a grudge, the more the offender controls your thoughts, actions, and feelings. Every decision becomes filtered through your unforgiveness, giving the offender continued power over you long after the original offense.

Conformed to be like the offender - Scripture warns about becoming what we focus on. The more you dwell on the offender and the offense, the more likely you are to adopt similar attitudes and behaviors. Just as a person who studies tennis by watching experts play becomes more like the players they admire, you too become more like what captures your attention.

5. Loss of Hope and Development of Depression

Depression often stems from an unhealthy focus on past events, particularly the unfairness of what happened and the lost hope for justice. When unforgiveness keeps you tied to past hurts, it becomes impossible to embrace hope for the future.

Scripture repeatedly emphasizes moving forward rather than fixating on the past. Philippians 3:13-14 encourages "forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead." Unforgiveness keeps you chained to the past, unable to move toward God's future for you.

6. Generational Impact on Children and Grandchildren

Exodus 20:5 - For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me.

This sobering verse reveals the generational impact of sin, including unforgiveness. Research confirms that parents' unresolved issues transfer to children through:

• Modeled behavior
• Explicit and implicit family rules
• Communication patterns
• Emotional atmospheres in the home

Even children who consciously reject their parents' pattern of unforgiveness often struggle with the effects of this pattern in their relationships.

The good news is that God offers hope: "...but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments" (Exodus 20:6). When we choose forgiveness, we can break destructive generational patterns.

Biblical Examples of Forgiveness and Unforgiveness

Scripture provides powerful examples of both forgiveness and unforgiveness, offering valuable lessons for our struggles:

Joseph's Forgiveness of His Brothers

Perhaps the most extraordinary example of forgiveness in the Old Testament is Joseph forgiving his brothers who sold him into slavery. After years of suffering and separation from his family, Joseph had every human reason to seek revenge when his brothers stood powerless before him.

Instead, he chose forgiveness and reconciliation, recognizing God's sovereign hand even in his suffering: "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive" (Genesis 50:20).

Joseph's example demonstrates that:

• Forgiveness doesn't deny the reality of evil intent
• Forgiveness recognizes God's ability to work good from evil
• Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation and healing

David's Forgiveness of Saul

Despite Saul's repeated attempts to kill him, David consistently chose forgiveness and respect toward the king God had anointed. Even when given opportunities to harm Saul, David refused, saying, "The LORD forbid that I should stretch out my hand against the LORD's anointed" (1 Samuel 26:11).

David's example reveals that forgiveness:

• Is possible even when the offense is ongoing
• Does not require letting down appropriate boundaries
• Coexists with wisdom and caution

Jesus Forgiving Those Who Crucified Him

The ultimate example of forgiveness is Jesus on the cross, praying, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do" (Luke 23:34). While experiencing the most unjust suffering imaginable, Jesus chose forgiveness rather than condemnation.

Jesus' example shows that:

• No offense is too great to forgive
• Forgiveness is possible even without the offender's repentance
• Forgiveness reflects God's character perfectly

The Negative Example of the Unforgiving Servant

In contrast, the unforgiving servant in Matthew 18 demonstrates the destructive nature of unforgiveness. Despite being forgiven an enormous debt, he refused to forgive a fellow servant a much smaller debt. The consequences were severe: he was delivered to "the torturers" until he could pay his debt.

This negative example teaches that unforgiveness:

• Reveals ingratitude for God's forgiveness
• Is inconsistent with receiving God's grace
• Brings serious consequences

Lessons from Each Biblical Example

These biblical examples provide crucial lessons about forgiveness:

1. God's working through us always makes forgiveness possible
2. The other person's response does not hinder forgiveness
3. The forgiver benefits as much as the forgiven
4. There are horrible consequences for unforgiveness
5. God's grace empowers us to forgive what seems unforgivable

The Root of Unforgiveness: Making Everything About ME

At its core, unforgiveness stems from what could be called the fundamental PROBLEM in all relationships: making everything about ME.

The PROBLEM of Self-Focus and Pride

When we refuse to forgive, we're essentially saying MY...

• Hurt is too significant to release
• Right to justice outweighs God's command to forgive
• Feelings matter more than God's instructions
• Way of handling this situation is better than God's way

James 3:16 offers profound insight into this self-focus: "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there." When unforgiveness takes root, it's always connected to self-seeking—making the situation about our pain, our rights, our justice, rather than submitting to God's way.

How Unforgiveness Connects to the Sin Nature

Romans 7 describes the ongoing battle between the flesh and the Spirit that believers experience. Unforgiveness provides a prime example of this struggle:

Romans 7:15, 18 - "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do... For I know that in me (that is, in my flesh) nothing good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find."

Our sin nature naturally resists forgiveness and gravitates toward bitterness and self-protection. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit can we overcome this natural tendency.

The Cycle of Victimhood and Control

Unforgiveness keeps us trapped in a victim mentality, waiting for someone else to change before we can move forward. This mindset:

• Puts our freedom in someone else's hands
• Makes us dependent on the offender's actions
• Keeps us focused on past hurts rather than future possibilities
• Surrenders control to the very person who hurt us

James 3:16 - The Connection Between Self-Seeking and Confusion

James 3:16 - "For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there."

This verse reveals why unforgiveness creates such havoc in our lives—it's rooted in self-seeking, which inevitably produces confusion and "every evil thing." The self-focus of unforgiveness distorts our perspective, clouds our judgment, and opens the door to numerous other sins.

The Biblical Path to Overcoming Bitterness

God's Word doesn't just identify the problem of unforgiveness—it provides the solution.

The Power of the Holy Spirit in Enabling Forgiveness

Zechariah 4:6 reminds us, "'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the LORD of hosts." Genuine forgiveness is humanly impossible for significant hurts; it requires supernatural enablement.

The Holy Spirit works explicitly to:

• Soften our hearts toward offenders
• Remind us of God's forgiveness toward us
• Provide supernatural strength when our natural resources are exhausted
• Heal the deep wounds that make forgiveness seem impossible

The Role of Prayer in the Forgiveness Process

Jesus linked prayer and forgiveness in Mark 11:25: "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses."

Prayer is essential to the forgiveness process because it:

• Acknowledges our dependence on God's help
• Brings God's perspective to our hurt
• Releases the offender to God's perfect justice
• Invites God's healing into our wounded hearts

Practical Application of Colossians 3:13

Colossians 3:13 - "Bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do."

This verse provides a practical formula for forgiveness:

1. Bear with one another - Accept the reality of human frailty and failure
2. Forgive one another - Make a deliberate choice to release the debt
3. As Christ forgave you - Use Christ's forgiveness of you as your model

The standard for our forgiveness isn't what feels reasonable or what the offender deserves, but how Christ has forgiven us—completely, sacrificially, and graciously.

7 Steps to Forgiveness

Just like a physical wound, the wrong done to you needs treatment to heal. When you follow a clear process, forgiveness can be more easily understood and accepted. It can help you understand the process of forgiveness by examining the medical and spiritual steps side by side.

1. Face Their Humanity (Stop the Bleeding)
2. Overlook Revenge (Clean the Wound)
3. Renew Your Mind (Apply Antibiotic)
4. Give It Up (Cover the Wound)
5. Apply Your Decision (Change the Dressing Regularly)
6. Verify Your Decision (Look for signs of infection)
7. Enjoy Freedom & Healing

Learn much more about the 7 Steps here in this expanded article!

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Many people resist forgiveness because they misunderstand its meaning. Biblical forgiveness is NOT:

Not pardoning (removing consequences) - Forgiveness doesn't remove natural or legal consequences. It can lessen those consequences in many situations, but it doesn't deal with the justice that may be required. You no longer pay attention to the offense or mark it against them, but appropriate consequences may still occur.

Not forgetting (healing leaves scars) - If you could forget a wrong, forgiveness would be unnecessary. Forgiveness is needed precisely because we remember. Forgiveness heals, and healing leaves scars that remind us of what God has brought us through.

Not restoration or reunion - Forgiveness focuses on your internal release of the debt. While God values restoration and reconciliation, these aren't part of forgiveness itself. Sometimes, a reunion is impossible or unwise, especially if the other person remains unrepentant or poses a danger.

Applying God's Word: Steps Toward Freedom

How can we move from understanding what the Bible says about unforgiveness to experiencing freedom?

Acknowledging the Reality of the Offense

Biblical forgiveness begins with truth, not denial. Don't minimize the hurt or pretend it didn't happen. Be honest with God about how deeply you've been wounded. Psalm 62:8 encourages us to "Pour out your heart before Him."

This honesty creates the foundation for genuine forgiveness rather than superficial dismissal of legitimate pain.

Accepting That the Past is OVER

One of the most liberating truths is recognizing that the past is OVER. It cannot be changed, undone, or relived. What happened, happened.

The only question is whether you'll allow that past event to control your present and future. Philippians 3:13-14 calls us to focus forward: "Forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead."

Choosing to Depend on God Rather Than Self

Proverbs 3:5-6 provides essential guidance: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths."

Forgiveness requires trusting God with YOUR...

• Hurt and pain
• Desire for justice
• Need for vindication
• Healing process

When we depend on God rather than ourselves, we access supernatural resources for forgiveness.

Moving from Reaction to Choice

Unforgiveness often keeps us in reactive mode, where past events and others' actions control us. God calls us to move from reacting to choosing—from being victims to being victors in Christ.

This shift involves:

• Recognizing your freedom to choose your response
• Taking responsibility for your own healing
• Creating a new future not defined by past hurts

When we shift from victim thinking to choice thinking, we move from the "Left Circle" (react/respond) to the "Right Circle" (choose/create). We stop being controlled by circumstances and start living in freedom.

Walking in Freedom Through Ongoing Forgiveness

For significant hurts, forgiveness will rarely fit the familiar phrase, "Forgive and forget." As time passes, and focusing on forgiveness steps 5, 6, and 7 above and here, you will experience freedom from the event.

On the other hand, Satan is dedicated to opening the wound again and encouraging an unforgiving heart, which is sin. But your reminder of your forgiveness and praying blessings on the person quiets the sinful thoughts he wants you to reflect on.

The memory of the event does not mean your initial decision wasn't genuine—it simply acknowledges the depth of human hurt and the ongoing work of relying on God's perfection.

Conclusion

The Bible speaks with remarkable clarity about unforgiveness—its nature, consequences, and cure. Scripture reveals that unforgiveness is not merely a personal choice but a spiritual condition with severe consequences for our relationship with God, our physical and emotional health, our freedom, and even our future generations.

Yet the same Bible that warns about unforgiveness offers the liberating solution of forgiveness. Through Christ's power working in us, we can forgive even the seemingly unforgivable, finding freedom from the prison of bitterness and resentment.

The past is over. Moving on and trusting God to redeem your past is the pathway to freedom. He knows what is best for you and is using even painful situations for your good and the good of others. Trust His PERFECTION! Any other approach will only create more problems.

As you choose forgiveness—even when it's difficult—you'll discover the truth of Galatians 5:1: "Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage."

Forgiveness puts a new future before you and gives you a new perspective on those who have hurt you. It may be the one act that allows you to imitate God, the original Master Forgiver. The choice is yours—the consequences of unforgiveness or the freedom of forgiveness!

FAQ: Common Questions About What the Bible Says About Unforgiveness

What does the Bible say about unforgiveness?

The Bible teaches that unforgiveness is contrary to God's character and will. Matthew 6:14-15 shows Jesus directly linking our forgiveness of others with our receiving God's forgiveness. Ephesians 4:31-32 commands believers to put away bitterness and forgive as Christ forgave us. Colossians 3:13 instructs us to "bear with one another, and forgive one another." Scripture consistently portrays unforgiveness as spiritually harmful and incompatible with Christian character.

What verses in the Bible talk about unforgiveness?

Key verses about unforgiveness include: Matthew 6:14-15 (forgiveness as a condition for receiving forgiveness); Matthew 18:21-35 (the parable of the unforgiving servant); Mark 11:25 (forgiving while praying); Luke 17:3-4 (forgiving repeatedly); Ephesians 4:31-32 (putting away bitterness); Colossians 3:13 (forgiving as Christ forgave); James 2:13 (judgment without mercy); and 1 John 4:20-21 (loving God requires loving others).

What does unforgiveness mean in the Bible?

In Scripture, unforgiveness means refusing to release someone from the debt of their offense. It involves holding onto resentment, seeking revenge (Romans 12:19), harboring bitterness (Hebrews 12:15), and refusing to show others the mercy God has shown us. Biblical unforgiveness is not merely a feeling but a heart condition that contradicts God's call to love others and reflect His mercy and grace.

How does the Bible say to overcome unforgiveness?

Scripture teaches overcoming unforgiveness through: 1) Recognizing how much God has forgiven us (Matthew 18:23-35); 2) Remembering our identity as forgiven children of God (Ephesians 4:32); 3) Choosing to forgive as an act of obedience regardless of feelings (Colossians 3:13); 4) Releasing vengeance to God (Romans 12:19); 5) Praying for those who have hurt us (Matthew 5:44); and 6) Depending on the Holy Spirit's power rather than human strength.

What does the Bible say about forgiving but not forgetting?

The Bible never commands us to forget offenses; it only commands us to forgive them. When God says He remembers our sins no more (Hebrews 8:12), He's speaking of not holding them against us, not literal amnesia. Biblical forgiveness involves healing that leaves scars—we may remember what happened, but the emotional wound is healed. Scripture emphasizes canceling the debt (no longer holding the offense against the person) rather than erasing the memory, which is often impossible.