The only solution for great relationships requires completely different thinking than self-help books propose.

Great relationships are probable when both parties have a similar, trustworthy, and valid definition of a great relationship. They must also consistently practice this definition. Robert Fritz states that this is the math of relationships – It takes two to say yes, and one to say no. When both parties are saying “yes,” there is an excellent chance for a great relationship, but if one person says “no,” there is little chance for a great relationship.

But that highlights some undesired news for relationships. You may be doing everything right, but if the other person is not practicing a good relationship definition, the relationship most likely will not be great no matter how hard you work at it.

The only solution for great relationships is completely counterintuitive to standard thinking, but it perfectly fits how God relates to us.

Great Relationships Truth Table

The following table helps illustrate four options for “practicing a great relationship definition” and the “actual relationship.” Some call the following table a “causal array” while we call it a “truth table.” It is a good device to help evaluate your thinking about two separate ideas or elements. Specifically, it helps you unlink two things that you may think are connected.

The plus and minus signs indicate what is happening with that element. There are two plus signs in the first two boxes on the left. That says you are practicing a great definition of a relationship, and the actual relationship is good. The second two boxes state that you are not practicing the great definition and the actual relationship is bad.

Without using the truth table, you would likely conclude that the actual relationship will be good as long as you practice an excellent definition. Unfortunately, that is 50 percent of reality.

Unlinking Love and Respect

Before the remainder of the above truth table is discussed, consider the biblical direction of a husband and wife. To the wife, God states that she is to respect or submit to the husband. To the husband, God states that he is to love his wife as Christ loves the church. Therefore, it is common in a discussion with a couple to hear something like this from the husband, “I would love her if she would respect me.” Or from the wife, “I would respect him if he showed that he loved me.”

That means love and respect are linked, and you have a return on investment (ROI) relationship. You expect a return on any good that you do for the other person in the relationship.

A truth table helps you unlink the two items and see reality.

Practicing a Great Definition (+) but the Relationship Is Bad (-)

Returning to the truth table, consider the third set of boxes with a + and – sign. That states that you are practicing a great definition of a relationship, but the actual relationship is bad. You are doing the right things to be a great partner, yet the relationship is not working. Why might that be true? One guess would be the other person is not putting energy into the relationship. They are not doing things that would help build the relationship. They are not practicing a great definition of a relationship.

Not Practicing a Great Definition (-), but the Relationship is Good (+)

Finally, the last two boxes state that you are not practicing a great definition of a relationship, but the relationship is actually good. How could that be? It might be like the old saying about a broken clock – it is right at least twice daily.

You may not actively practice a great relationship definition, but things work now. That last set of boxes is likely to be very temporary. Sometimes, the relationship works even though neither party acts or lives with truth and godly principles.

Are You Saying "Yes" or "No"

So, the truth table provides some needed reality to your thinking. Most importantly, it helps elevate the critical fact that even though you are saying “yes” to the relationship, the other person may be saying “no.” That is essential to the only solution for great relationships.

In the example of the husband and wife, the truth table would help them identify that the wife actually can respect him when the husband does not love her, and the husband can love her even when the wife does not respect him.

The point or the only solution for great relationships comes down to your decision. That decision is entirely unlinked from what the other person is doing. You want to ask yourself: Am I doing my part, whether they do their part, or what is right? That is the beginning of a great relationship – you decide to do what is right, to say “yes” even if they say “no.”

Is your definition of a great relationship dependent on the other person? For example, “A great relationship satisfies me” or “A great relationship is where both parties mutually respect and love each other.”

What happens if the other person does not do their part? Does your definition leave room for them not to do their part while you still do yours? If the definition requires the other party to be doing something, then it most likely needs to be revised.