It is best to forgive, and the 7 steps to forgiveness will help dramatically. Unfortunately, we have the wrong view of forgiveness and do not experience the benefits.

What would you tell someone who asked the following?

"Am I supposed to swallow hard, let the murderers of my mother, father, husband, and kids off the hook? Am I to pretend the whole thing never happened? If forgiving is about that, I would rather buy a gun, track them down, and torture them individually."

"Do I just go on with life and ignore that my best friend had an affair with my husband and destroyed my marriage?"

"Do I just wave a magic wand, forget that my partner embezzled money from me, accept him as he is, and BE HAPPY with my dire financial situation?"

NO—that is not forgiveness! It is not about letting someone "off the hook" or pretending something did not happen! So what is it?

A PROCESS FOR FORGIVING

Any wrong done to you is like a physical wound to your body. It may be a bruise or, worse yet, a deep cut. If untreated, you will lose blood, risk infection, and even die if the wound is deep. The basic medical steps you can follow for a wound are:

1. Stop the bleeding: Apply gentle pressure with a clean cloth or bandage. If bleeding persists, seek emergency assistance.
2. Clean the wound: Rinse the wound well with clear water. Thorough wound cleaning reduces the risk of tetanus. Use soap and a washcloth to clean the area around the wound.
3. Apply an antibiotic: After cleaning the wound, apply a thin layer of an antibiotic cream or ointment to prevent infection and promote your body's natural healing process.
4. Cover the wound: Bandages can help keep the wound clean and remove harmful bacteria.
5. Change the dressing regularly: Do so at least daily or whenever it becomes wet or dirty.
6. Watch for signs of infection: See your doctor if the wound does not heal or if you see any redness, drainage, or swelling.
7. Enjoy healing!

Just like a physical wound, the wrong done to you needs treatment to heal. When you follow a clear process, forgiveness can be more easily understood and accepted. It can help you understand the process (the 'how-to') by examining the medical and spiritual steps side by side.

Preparation

Step 1: Face Their Humanity (Stop the Bleeding)

Estimates say that 80 percent of what you see lies behind your eyes. If that is true, when you look at the offender, you mostly see the wrong and the pain they created for you, not the person. You see "that animal," "that jerk," "that piece of trash," but NOT the person.

If you want to be free of the pain, you can stop the bleeding by taking this first step. Choose to see the person, not just what they did. Rediscover their humanity. Choose to see them differently!

Suppose you saw someone wearing tennis clothes at a formal black-tie event. Tennis clothes would stand out to everyone because they are out of context with the event. What might you think about that person? "How stupid! What a dunce! Do they have any brains!" It would be easy to look at the clothes instead of the person wearing them. Your words come from thoughts about the clothes.

Before this first step of forgiveness, we focus on the offense, behavior, or "clothes" instead of the person. In this step, you can get new eyes from God to see the person, not the offense or the wrong done to you.

This step does not release them from accountability for their sin. Right now, you do not have to believe that they will once again be a close friend or a trustworthy spouse, or that they will not do the same harm to you again. But you can choose to believe they are a person and take them back into your imperfect world. That "scoundrel," your enemy, is a faulty, bruised, and flawed human, just like you are. They are still blamable and accountable for the wrong done. There but for the grace of God, go you and I!

A Great Example

Yehiel Dinur was a witness during Adolf Eichmann's trial. Dinur entered the courtroom and stared at the man behind the bulletproof glass--the man who had presided over the slaughter of millions. The court was hushed as a victim confronted a butcher.

Then suddenly, Dinur began to sob and collapsed to the floor. As he explained later in an interview, what struck him instantly was a terrifying realization: "I saw that I am capable to do this…Exactly like he."

The reporter interviewing Dinur (asked), "How was it possible for a man to act as Eichmann acted? Was he a monster? A madman? Or was he perhaps something even more terrifying? Was he normal?" Yehiel Dinur, in a moment of chilling clarity [concluded], "Eichmann is in all of us."

That describes this first step--see them as a person, faulty just like you are. When you see the humanity of the person who wronged you, the bleeding stops.

And Another 

A woman had sinned against her husband. The counselor was helping them work through past sins committed against one another. The woman admitted what she had done, but the man did not believe she was telling the truth. He continued to see her based on what she had done until an extraordinary event occurred.

The woman, in great pain and tears, held her hands palms up to the Lord and said, "I know that I am clean! I have confessed it all, Lord." Only then did the man stop seeing only the sins she committed and once again see her as a broken PERSON just like himself.

Step 2: Overlook Revenge (Clean the Wound)

Overlook your assumed right to revenge or to "get even." Notice I said, "assumed." You may think you have the right to revenge, but you do not. Vengeance is God's right alone.

Romans 12:17-19 (NKJV) — Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.

Yet revenge is cherished, savoring it like a delicious poison, though it kills us.

After we have been wronged--wounded in the bargain--been swindled, cheated, abused, or demeaned, no human right seems more sacred than the right to get even with the scab who wronged us. We want to get him back, make him feel—at the very least—as much pain as he made us feel. Nothing could be fairer. Or taste so sweet. —Lewis B. Smedes

Revenge tastes so sweet, we swirl it around on our tongues and let it drip like honey down our chins. —Homer

If you prick us will we not bleed, if you tickle us, will we not laugh, if you poison us, will we not die, if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? —Shakespeare, from The Merchant of Venice

Forgiveness accepts God's justice, not your idea of justice. You try to "be God" when you assume the role of avenger! You say you want justice, but such a thing is impossible from your hands. And if you are honest with yourself, you know you want to do just a bit more harm to them than they did to you. When you try to "get even," you multiply your sin toward the other person and God by demanding He get off His throne and let you sit in His place.

Vengeance Is Not One of Your Rights

Vengeance grows in the soil of pride. It is a "right" you never had, a lie that Satan wants you to believe.

But forgiveness gives up the sinful desire for vengeance. Forgiveness provides healing, a brighter future, and hope.

Hand vengeance over to God. Hold the assumed right to revenge in your two hands, take one last longing look at it, and let it spill to the ground like a handful of water. Vengeance is of the sin nature; forgiveness is of God.

Colossians 3:13 (NKJV) — …bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.

This step is crucial because it draws a line in the sand, hands vengeance over to God, and moves forward. You are letting God clean the wound.

Step 3: Renew Your Mind (Apply Antibiotic)

Before you entered the first step of forgiveness, your feelings toward the offender may have been hate, bitterness, and anger. You wanted terrible things to happen to the evil person who did bad things to you. That is what hate is about. Since your feelings are primarily responders, your thinking and actions need to change to revise your feelings. Remember the order: first think, then act or feel.

Choose to believe the truth

Romans 8:28 (NKJV) — And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.

We have trivialized and misused this verse; however, it is still accurate and applicable. God fully understands your situation and was not caught off guard. God controls vengeance and the whole situation.

Choose to see the offender as an instrument of God. Remember that God is using that person to develop and shape you to be more like Jesus Christ. That may be hard to accept, but you are not trusting God if you do not. Further, you miss out on blessings that can only come from trusting God through forgiveness.

Joseph is a good example we can follow. Remember the mistreatment Joseph suffered at the hands of his brothers? Yet his response was completely unexpected, given that he was in an ideal position to exact full vengeance on them.

Genesis 50:19-21 (NKJV) — Joseph said to them, "Do not be afraid, for am I in the place of God? But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good, in order to bring it about as it is this day, to save many people alive. Now therefore, do not be afraid; I will provide for you and your little ones." And he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.

Meditate on Truth

When you meditate on truth, you may feel a natural (perhaps reluctant) wish that some good things might come the "weasel's" way. Feeling good about them may initially be hesitant, but it comes as you meditate on the truth and God changes your thinking. You may backslide along the way, but persevering with the truth creates the framework for your feelings to respond. Apply the Antibiotic of Truth, and healing begins.

When you forgive someone, you decide never to hold that offense against them or dwell on it again. Unhand the "weapon" that you could use on them. Please give it up; stop holding onto the offense.

It is critical to renew your mind about what forgiveness is. Here is our definition of forgiveness:

A choice to lay the offense down, not mark or pay attention to where you laid it, and never use it against them, not in your thoughts, speech, or actions.

Or the short version:

Never abusing them for the wrong they did to you —not in thought, word, or action.

Application

Step 4: Give it Up (Cover the Wound)

This step is where you make the decision. You decide, conclude, and commit to:

• Stop holding onto the offense
• Never use the offense against them again, never pay attention to it again
• Unhand the "weapon" you could use against them
• Move forward rather than remain stuck in the past
• Bless them and free yourself
• FORGIVE

Bitterness keeps you stuck in the past, but forgiveness moves you forward into the future. Some people believe that you need to forgive and forget. Forgetting is neither a prerequisite for nor a part of forgiveness, although it can be helpful in the process.

What Remember Means

Some people believe that God forgives and forgets, citing Jeremiah 31:34 (NKJV).

For I will forgive their iniquity, and their sin I will remember no more.

The word "remember" is critical in this verse. According to Strong's dictionary, "remember" means "to mark (so as to be recognized), or it implies to mention."

When God is challenged to "remember," the meaning is better taken as "pay attention to" since nothing ever escapes God's omniscience (Psalms 89:47). —The Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament

God does not forget as we do. He does not pay attention to--does not mark our sins against us because He sees us through the blood of Jesus. He accepts us because of Jesus' death, burial, and resurrection—our sins are no longer a barrier between God and us. Thank God for that! We know that when God forgives, He will never use our sins against us again.

For example, suppose you are reading a book and want to "remember" a statement. You could memorize it, but more likely, you use a highlighter pen, underline it, place a sticky note, or fold the page to mark the place and draw your attention to it later.

God the Father will not do that. He has chosen not to "pay attention to" what the Son has covered. God has moved into a different relationship with us.

Let it Go

Just let it go. God knows what is best for you and this situation. Stop "marking it against them." Why keep holding on to the hurt?

A rattlesnake, if cornered, will become so angry it will bite itself. That is exactly what the harboring of hate and resentment against others is—a biting of oneself. We think we are harming others in holding these spites and hates, but the deeper harm is to ourselves. —E. Stanley Jones

It is time—Give It Up—so you can cover the wound and give it a chance to heal.

Step 5: Apply Your Decision (Change the Dressing Regularly)

Consider the scars on your body. They are memorials to healing! My body has significant scars from a bad accident and two back operations. Those situations were extremely painful at the time, but they are no longer painful now that they have healed.

I could look at those scars, remember the pain, and put myself back into the pain and difficulty of each situation. But why do that? Those situations are behind us, and the scars are proof of our healing.

That is why we believe in FORGIVE and REMEMBER. Once you experience the power of forgiveness, you will have multiple healed scars rather than open wounds.

Forgive and Remember helps old wounds as well as new ones. When you remember or reflect on any old "wound," you can acknowledge that it is now a scar—healed—and there is no need to reopen it. You can recall the scars and healing of old wounds when you get a new one. That will help you consider forgiving again, maybe even now.

Unfortunately, without forgiveness, you leave the wounds open, and they turn into bloody messes. Not what God wants for you!

Create a way to remember you forgave

Once you forgive, create a way to remember it because it is easy to forget in a tense situation. You decide to forgive in Step 4. You concluded, committed to new thinking—no longer revenge—instead, you are letting it go. Now, memorialize your forgiveness with an action and a date. This step is similar to the reason for baptism. Baptism does not save you; it is a testimony, a memorial to the most critical decision you will ever make--trusting God for your eternity.

Here is a good application tool when you choose to forgive someone.

On a small card or piece of paper, write down the name of the person you want to forgive and what you are forgiving. Take the card and go to a quiet place. Kneel and place the card in your hands, palms up. Hold the card up to heaven. Pray to the Lord what you have written on the card in your own words, and tell Him you are forgiving them and want Him to take this event from you. Pray whatever else you desire about the event, and when you finish, write the date and time on the card. Put the card in a safe place to remind you that you have forgiven the person, or dispose of it if there is a chance the person might see it. But remember the date somehow.

Now you have a date, a memorial to remember you forgave them.

Verification

Step 6: Verify Your Decision (Look for signs of infection)

Satan and your sin nature are not happy with forgiveness. There will be many opportunities to move backward toward vengeance and bitterness--the next time you get into an argument, the next time you feel slighted, or the next time you see, hear, smell, taste, or touch something that reminds you of what happened. Anytime you start "Flashing your ME" with them, you may return to bitterness. Most likely, the event will immediately come to mind after you forgive. Satan, through your sin nature, wants you to "pay attention to" it, to go back to how life was before Step 1.

How can you deal with the thoughts about what they did to you? You say you forgave, but the thoughts keep coming up. The answer depends on one critical question. Before asking the question, consider these options:

1. You did not forgive when you said you did.
2. You did forgive and need to forgive again.
3. You did forgive, and you need to validate your forgiveness.

All three options need this critical question:

Did I forgive them when I said I did?

The only answers are YES or NO. MAYBE does not help. Did you forgive them when you said you did?

Your answer is NO

If your answer is NO, that's option one above. Ask the Lord to help you understand forgiveness and prepare you to forgive. Go back to Step 1. You either want to be free or stay in bondage--which is it? You either want to seek revenge or give it to God--which is it? Do you want this wound to be healed or not? It is your choice.

Your answer could be YES; you know you forgave, remember the date, and used the application tool. But you let your lousy thinking control you, resulting in using the offense against them. You may have harbored thoughts of revenge or experienced a moment of anger, spewing hurtful words at them about how bad they were for doing "that" to you. That would be option two above. You are "paying attention to" or have "marked" the location of the "weapon" and have started using it again. The solution is to go back to step 1 and forgive again. It would also help to confess to the Lord and the other person that you have sinned against them for letting bitterness and revenge control you.

Your answer is YES

Or, your answer is YES, but you continue thinking about what happened. Your thoughts are not directed toward revenge or bitterness; it's just that you remember the event and the pain it caused. You do NOT need to go back to Step 1. Do these two simple things:

• Give your thoughts to Jesus. Claim 2 Corinthians 10:4-5. The end of verse 5 says, "bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ." Ask Jesus to take the thoughts, "Lord, I know that I forgave and did not lie, and You know that. Please take those thoughts from me."
• MOVE QUICKLY TO STEP 7.

As you give those thoughts to Jesus, you will struggle with them less, and the wound will begin to heal.

Step 7: Enjoy Freedom & Healing

If you have forgiven, this step accelerates the healing process.

Louie had a severe break in her left arm at the elbow that required a metal plate and screws to give her use of the arm again. Not long after the surgery, the doctor prescribed working with a physical therapist to rebuild the muscles and maximize the flexibility of her elbow. That therapy was painful, but maximizing her arm's healing and use was necessary.

Step 7 may not be easy for you at first, but it is imperative if you want freedom and healing. Here is what this step requires:

• Praying for God's blessing upon them
• Encouraging them as much as you can
• Pursuing their best by finding ways to serve them

Helps you move forward

When you come through step 6 and verify that you have forgiven, this step will help you continue to move forward. Without this last step, it will be easy to let the memory of the pain of what they did to you pull you back toward revenge and bitterness. There is immense power in this step.

You may be thinking, "Really! You just asked me to let the offense go, and now you are asking me to pray that God blesses them!"

Yes, I am because it is what Christ did. This step follows the marvelous example of Jesus Christ.

We nailed Jesus to the cross

We participated in the crucifixion of Jesus. He was beaten, tortured, and hung on the cross. As Jesus was on the cross, He asked His Father to forgive the people of Jerusalem and all humanity. He then died, rose again, and appeared to many people. Then, He did something we want to imitate.

Acts 1:4, 8 (NKJV) — And being assembled together with them, He commanded them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the Promise of the Father, "which," He said, "you have heard from Me… But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth."

Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to the disciples to bless Jerusalem, the people who had wronged Him! Blessing people who have harmed you is impossible without forgiveness. Until you forgive those who have wronged you, you will not pray God's blessing upon them, encourage them, or pursue their best. And until you do that, you will not experience the freedom and healing God wants for you.

Ensure healing—pray for them, bless them, and find ways to pursue their best. Enjoy the FREEDOM