The DICTATOR relationship mistake is "trying to change another person." All four relationship mistakes are about control - this one is definitely about control.

It is like you see yourself as the Jr. Holy Spirit trying to tell everyone what to do. You are the one that knows what is best for everyone else. While you may have good intent, you are still a good person up to no good. You tend to only be happy when others are doing what you want which leaves you sad or angry when they don't do what you want.

Who is the Beneficiary?

Have you ever tried to change somebody?

Of course, you have!

You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with that?” Maybe nothing – it depends on who is the beneficiary of the change. Do you want them to change, just because it would be best for them? Or do you want them to change so that you could finally breathe a sigh of relief that they have changed?

This Dictator relationship mistake, much like the others, drives you to operate in fear which in turn pushes you to become manipulative or dominant toward them. The end result you want – they change!

You may argue that they are doing things that harm them, their family, their friends and maybe even you, so they must change in order to stop the damage that has occurred and will be done. Notice the fear?

Lack of Objectivity

There are two things that prevent your objectivity though. First, you do not know the future. You do not know that this will continue. Probabilities may be great, but the future is unknown to you. Second, and most important, you are not living in reality, because change is their decision not yours! You are trying to assume control of something you cannot control – them! You have convinced yourself that you can control them, but the reality is you cannot.

If you provide them the right objective truth with great passion and persuasion, they still may not change. State it with subtlety or with power, even assume you do it perfectly, but they still may not change. Why? The decision is theirs, not yours.

So, stop and think about the question that was asked. Who is the beneficiary of them changing? The beneficiary is actually you, not them!

The REAL end result of the Dictator relationship mistake is you want them to change, so you can be happy!

To see this requires objectivity and not following your emotions. In fact, a reasonable barometer of how controlling you may be is the level of emotions you have invested in them changing. The more your emotions are tied to their change, the greater the probability of you trying to change them. That is a red flag being waved to let you know you are living in the Dictator relationship mistake!

Do Any of These Fit You?

If you have a tendency toward this Dictator mistake like me, here are some mildly humorous representations of the Dictator’s thinking, actions, and feelings. Do you identify with any of these?

• Everyone must be the way you want them. You will entertain their thoughts, but ultimately, it is your decision on how they should be.
• Commit to any control strategy necessary to change them. Manipulate or dominate but get them to change! If they do not, you will not have any peace or rest.
• Do not trust others to do something without your direction or input. They may get it right, but it would be surprising. If they did do a good job, there will always be things to correct, because they cannot do things as well as you.
• You alone know what is best. Accept your role as a savior for those you are around. Not only the savior, but you are also the Jr. Holy Spirit and their “real” conscience. You must convict them of what they are doing. You need to exert control to get them to act differently, because they will never change on their own.
• Always expect more.  Never tire of trying to change them; even if they are meeting your expectations, “raise the bar”.
• Always look for what is wrong because they are not perfect like you.

In summary – others are not now and should never be free to choose their own path, because they will mess things up.

Freedom For Them and You

While it may sound strange, I now understand grace better after I studied under a mentor that was not blatantly teaching from a Biblical foundation. Robert Fritz is an intriguing, wise and very bright man that has made a significant difference in my life. He and his wife Rosalind helped me see how controlling I tend to be. This means I valued freedom for myself, but not for those around me. That is the essence of the Dictator relationship mistake.