Part of The Solution Or The Problem?

Are you part of the solution or the problem? The men's and women's judgments fuel your "Flashing ME" moments - the PROBLEM! For the woman, her design is all about relating, and now her judgment makes her closest relationships with her children and husband painful and unfulfilling. And, for the man, his design is about work, and now his judgment makes his work painful and unfulfilling.

Women

You were born with a design that is fulfilled primarily through relationships. The Judgment focuses your attention on having fulfilling relationships at the earthly level without a focus on the primary relationship with God. It further encourages independence rather than dependence. Understanding your design and judgment helps you know if you are part of the solution or the problem.

Walking in the Spirit, which enables you to live in your design and operate as God desires, is the only way to fulfill that design, but the judgment gets you to believe and act differently.

Remember the woman’s judgment (Genesis 3:16)? You focus on getting your husband and children to relate to you to meet your relational needs. While not explicitly stated in the woman’s judgment, I speculate that this also applies to all of a woman’s relationships, married or not. Trying to get those relationships to meet your needs instead of God doing that means you are living in your judgment.

The Path of Least Resistance for Women

If that is your focus, the path of least resistance creates actions like …

• Try to control (manipulate, dominate) more than help or support
• Expect your husband and others to make you feel happy and safe
• Respect is conditional and must be earned by others’ behavior
• Submit rarely, typically only when you agree with the decision

As you read those statements, you may see a direct correlation to your life if you are not trying to rationalize your behavior. And what does that imply? “Where you look, you tend to go!” You are focused on the wrong result. What is your guess about whether you are part of the solution or the problem?

But if you focus on being a godly woman, your actions are based solely on what God asks of you, not on how to get something from others. You belong and relate to others because that is how you are designed. You begin to understand that fulfilling relationships start with your desire to help, nurture, and support those around you. You choose to respect and submit because God invites you to do so. Not because you have to do it.

A life lived walking in the Spirit is much better than one of the flesh. The Spirit of God helps you relate to those around you with the right intent of your heart. And the fruit of that shows up in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Walking in the Spirit lets you clearly know whether you are part of the solution or the problem.

Tension Seeks Resolution

You can also illustrate the battle using the concepts of tension and resolution. Tension is created in your life, not necessarily the stress type of tension, but just a “pull” or “desire” in your mind. When tension is present, it sets up a path of least resistance to some form of resolution. For example, when thirsty, tension can be resolved by drinking something.

Additionally, when two structures are in place, you have two sets of “tension–resolution” structures and the probability of oscillation between the two.

While the THP Charts provide an understanding of the two structures, a tension–resolution diagram more effectively shows you what is happening, moment by moment. It is another indicator of whether you are part of the solution or the problem.

• For the woman, you may start in the Design Structure wanting to operate in your design, be nurturing, helping, and be 100% a Godly woman (upper left box on the graphic to the right).
• So, the path of actions starts and leads you to resolve that tension by doing those wonderful design-oriented actions – helping, nurturing, and supporting.
• THEN you have selfish, self-absorbed thoughts like “What about me? I am doing all this for them, and they don’t appreciate me as much as they should!”
• That creates another tension, one that is related to the sin nature and the judgment. That tension is resolved by doing things aligned with the path of action in the judgment structure.
• But that is not the end of the oscillation! You again come to your senses and realize the error of your ways, confess to the Lord, which again creates the tension to be selfless and serve, honor, and glorify God.

Romans 7 Oscillation

It is the exact pattern that the Apostle Paul spoke of in Romans 7…

For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do. – Romans 7:15

Does that mean you are doomed to live in this oscillation? No. All you need to do is choose one structure or the other. NOT CHOOSING the design structure automatically puts you into the judgment structure, so be careful. And, in this life, dependence on God’s power, the life of Christ in you, and the energy of the Holy Spirit is the only chance you have to live consistently in the design structure.

So, what is your choice? Where are you looking right now? You can know for certainty, based on the presence or absence of the fruit of the Spirit in your life. Again, it is a great indicator of whether you are part of the solution or the problem

Men

Your situation is similar in the form of the structures for women, but quite different in the actions and the way you will be fulfilled or struggle. You were born with a design to be fulfilled and be significant through your work and activities.

Now with the judgment, that work can be fulfilling, but the fulfillment is fleeting and exacts a toll from you because it is no longer pain-free or toil-free. You will work hard to attain some semblance of significance, which is also fleeting. And you want your wife to see you as significant, especially in her respect for you. You want your wife to see you as significant, and the temptation will be to seek your own glory through work. What is the intent of your heart – glorify God or yourself? You can ask yourself whether you want to glorify God or yourself. Or, ask yourself whether you are part of the solution or the problem.

When you focus on “ME,” the path of least resistance creates actions like …

• Try to control (manipulate, dominate) work
• Expect work and activities to make me happy and significant – give me meaning
• Love your wife conditionally when she is demonstrating respect and support for you
• Abdicate your leadership or become a dictator, both of which are self-serving, not leading

Again, those are just representative statements, but there is a probable correlation to your life. And what does that imply? “Where you look, you tend to go!” You are focused on the wrong result.

Better Thinking, Better Actions

But if you focus on being a godly man, your actions are based solely on what God has asked of you, not on how to get something from work or others. You demonstrate actions like…

• Being powerful and separate to benefit others, not yourself
• Work to provide, protect, and preserve those around you
• Love unconditionally, even when she shows no respect to you
• Lead with the intent of pursuing their best, even sacrificing for them

When you focus on being a Godly man – a REAL man, you fulfill the very essence of how God has designed you. You begin to understand that a fulfilling life involves providing, protecting, and preserving those around you, even when they do nothing in return. You choose to love unconditionally, because God has invited you to that Godly behavior, not because someone deserves it, or that you “have to”

And you lead not for the glory of being a leader, but because it demonstrates your love that you want the best for those around you. A completely different life led by the Spirit rather than your flesh. A life that pursues the glory of God, not the glory of self.

Tension and Resolution

As with the woman’s two structures, you also have two sets of “tension–resolution” structures creating oscillation between them. These structures help you clarify whether you are part of the solution or the problem.

• Suppose you start in the Design Structure wanting to operate in your design, be powerful, loving, and truly masculine – a 100% Godly man.
• That decision would lead you to resolve that tension by doing those Godly design-oriented actions – leading, providing, preserving, particularly your wife and children, but also others.
• THEN you have selfish, self-absorbed thoughts like “What about me? I am working hard for them, but they don’t appreciate me as much as they should!”
• That creates another tension related to the sin nature and the judgment, which is resolved by doing those things aligned with the path of actions in the judgment structure – control work, rule my wife and family, and seek satisfaction from my work and activities. And, if that becomes too hard, “I will only focus on myself. She can start taking care of me instead!”
• Finally, you realize the error in your thinking, wake up, and confess to the Lord, which again creates the tension to be selfless and serve, honor, and glorify God.

Remember, NOT CHOOSING the design structure automatically puts you into the judgment structure, so be careful. Dependence on God’s power, the life of Christ in you, and the energy of the Holy Spirit is the only chance you have to live consistently in the design structure.

What is your choice? Where are you looking right now? You can know for certainty, based on the presence or absence of the fruit of the Spirit in your life.

Judgments Help Marriages Fail

If you want to know if you are part of the solution or the problem, a significant step is understanding the real problems that the judgments create for men and women. It SIMPLIFIES the problems in relationships and marriages that seemed so complex.

When you grasp the underlying foundation of the image of God, designs and judgments, relationships between men and women will stop looking like some of Albert Einstein’s abstract math equations. Understanding the links between judgments, designs, and self-absorption (flashing your “ME”) allows you to gain new insight into your behavior and things that help and hurt marriages.

For example, the graphic represents what the judgments do to marriages. It is simple enough that you can look at it and have some basic understanding of what it is saying without knowing about designs and judgments. But if you know the foundation of the chart, you become someone who can help a couple through a difficult time.

Most people look at the chart and have a “that makes sense” or “yeah, I have seen that”, but consider it only one of hundreds, maybe thousands of things that can happen. Knowing what you currently know from God’s Word, that graphic is a “root cause” for marriage problems and failure.

Judgments Are the Root Cause

Adding typical comments to the chart adds to the reality and, in some cases, to the pain that a person feels from the relationship.  A woman might be saying things like…

• “You spend so much time at work and little time with me and the kids.”
• “Your golf is more important to you than your family.”
• “Why can’t we have some time for just us?”

And the statements from the man may be like…

• “There is so much going on at work. I have so much to do.”
• “I wish I could just have some time to relax and do something other than work.”

The wife wants the relationship with the husband to fulfill her, and the husband wants his work to fulfill him. The woman’s basic need from her design is security, which is not being met. The man’s basic need from his design is significance, which is not being met.

The judgments set up relationships, particularly marriages, to struggle and fail.

But God has the answer!

God Helps Marriages Succeed; Removes Judgment’s Impact

God’s methods are always the best. He is the only One who can resolve the pain and struggles that come from the judgments that He established.

Relationships work when men and women do what God says that REAL men and REAL women do. When a husband loves his wife like Christ loves the church, and a wife respects her husband as God asks her to, the impact of the judgments is gone!

A woman who STARTS respecting will STOP controlling. A man who STARTS loving – pursuing his wife’s best – will STOP “ruling” her, abdicating leadership, and do excellent work, because it is another way to glorify God.

The power of God’s ways easily handles the difficulties imposed by the judgments, but NOT if either husband or wife starts “flashing their ME”.

Please note the imaginary statement from God in the graph above. “Pay attention to YOUR behavior, not theirs – do what I ask YOU to do!” That is the ONLY way that you will stop “flashing your ME”! The judgments get you to focus on how your needs are not being met, and encourage a focus on getting other people or things to meet those needs. BUT God’s statements are for each of us to choose, not for us to try to make others choose them. Yes, you are to speak God’s truth into another person’s life, but it is God’s job to change them. (You will learn more about this in chapter 8.)

The Power Source

The power to overcome the judgments comes from God. But, even though God can, He does not force us to choose His way. That is your responsibility.

When He states that a wife is to respect her own husband (Ephesians 5:22) and that a husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25-31). Please notice what God DOES NOT say. “Husbands, get your wives to respect you. And, wives, make sure that your husband loves you.”

When you start focusing on what God asks of YOU, you STOP participating in your judgment. The judgment focuses your attention on what the other person is doing or not doing. Now you have the clarity to know whether you are part of the solution or the problem. An excellent beginning action is to START paying attention to YOUR behavior, not theirs!

Of course, please do not do that if you prefer the pain of the judgments.