Most Underrated Relationship Skill

What do you think is the most underrated skill for all relationships? If you are thinking of communication, you are on the right track. But what part of communication? Click here for a complete course on the skill.

Humility is often the most underrated value for leaders, as well as in relationships. So it makes sense that humility would be tied to the most underrated relationship skill. The formula for listening starts with a simple question: "Will I make this about them, and not about me?"

A Formula for Listening

It is easy to assume that listening happens because you equate listening with hearing. Sounds enter the ear naturally, even without your choice. That makes it easy to think that listening does not require the same skill and development as speaking with clarity and persuasion.

Of course, that is why most people value speaking than listening. Both are extremely important. However, you will seldom see listening elevated to the same level of importance as speaking.

Listening does not need to involve sound. How does that happen? You "listen" to your conscience, at least I hope so. You listen to what you are reading in your mind, even when you are not speaking a word. Also, you listen to your thoughts and assess your feelings!

Involves Critical Values

Listening is closely associated with the Six Critical Values we promote in our GR8 Leaders program. The values are just as necessary in relationships: self-governance, humility, sacrifice, freedom, value others to develop them, and truth. 

You demonstrate self-governance when you listen, need humility to listen, make a sacrifice of time and energy to listen, choose to limit your freedom to speak, accept the reality that others are free to speak, value others enough to listen, and benefit the most when listening to truth and reality.

Those values elevate the most underrated skill of listening.

The Formula

• Humility is the KEY – “Will I make this about them, not ME?”
• Focus is the FUEL – “Will I pay attention to them?”
• Curiosity is the SPARK – “Will I be curious about how they think?”
• Listening is the result – “Do I see what they see?”

Find something that alerts you to start using the formula. For me, the trigger is eye contact. That tells me to look directly at someone is my alert to listen. When a conversation is more than just “small talk,” I choose to make good eye contact with them. That reminds me, this conversation is not about me (Humility). It is time to focus and be curious about what they are thinking. That helps me appreciate the value of listening, a highly underrated relationship skill.

Listening Becomes Difficult

Listening is not only an underrated skill, but it is also not easy to do correctly. However, listening is like any skill; it takes practice to become good. Unfortunately, it is more difficult to listen when these thoughts dominate your mind.

You think talking is more important than listening

Those who make the most noise get the most attention - "The squeaky wheel gets the grease." Numerous individuals and businesses earn money from speaking engagements. Speaking gets rewarded because it can be leveraged in a "one-to-many" model. That is not true of listening. Listening is an underrated skill because it is a private one-to-one type of skill. Even when you are with many people in a large crowd, the speaker's words are personal to you as the listener. Because of the nature of listening, it is not rewarded, unless you are in the counseling or coaching business.

You believe you know more than they know 

“A little learning is a dangerous thing,” and most often, a lot of learning is worse when it comes to listening. We can fall into the trap of thinking they do not have much, if anything, to contribute because I know more than they do. That tends to drive this belief and action: “Those who know nothing have nothing to say.”

You are thinking while others are talking

Our brain can process 5 to 6 times faster than people speak. It is then easy to stop listening and think about what we are going to say. Often, we wonder what our next question will be. On the positive side, that implies that we have a huge additional capacity to concentrate more on what is being said. Yes, you can process faster than they can speak, so put all of that extra power into turning their words into pictures. You can improve on this underrated skill when you start seeing a video of what they are saying. It significantly expands your ability to understand what they are saying. Or gives you much better questions to ask.

You are not teachable/humble 

Humility is a significant issue in all relationships, particularly the underrated relationship skill of listening. We not only "make everything about ME", but we will also easily believe we are more important. Of course, we seldom consciously admit this, but, admitted or not, it still leads to a lack of attention to others.

You and others speak without clarity

Not all of the problem is the listener. Poor speakers make it difficult for listeners to understand. That means when you become an Observational Listener, you help elevate this underrated skill. Asking questions helps clarify what the speaker is saying, if you have access to them.

If you want to improve your listening, it takes discipline and energy!

Listening seldom occurs when…

You are angry 

When was the last time that you were really listening (humble, focused, and curious) to a person when you were angry? The only "listening" that happens is searching for ways to use their words against them.

You want to punish rather than help

If you are focused on revenge or punishment, you have already made up your mind about them. No more facts are needed or wanted because the jury and judge have already declared the verdict. The underrated skill will remain underrated and unused.

You are not willing to remove your opinions

When we have an opinion, it is an assumption, estimate, conjecture, or theory about them and their actions. If that opinion is placed at the same level as facts, then you will not be listening. You already know what is needed; no listening is required.

You feel a need to give direct advice

One of the biggest deterrents to listening is our need to talk. It is worse the more that you know. You become the "guru" and will typically feel the need to provide the answers to the world. They need to be listening to you, not vice versa.

You are in a hurry and do not explore what they are saying

Listening can be time-consuming, and it often requires considerable energy as well. If you are not willing to accept the need for both, you won't be listening.

You are not willing to serve

Remember the formula for listening? Humility is a critical component. And, if you remember, serving is one of the most practical ways to know if you are moving in the direction of humility. The underrated skill of listening is truly a sacrificial gift of time and energy to another person. That is a big reason is remains underrated.

You make everything about “ME”

This is the primary reason listening is often overlooked as a vital relationship skill. It is tied directly to humility. Listening requires making the situation about them, not you.

How many of the above seven items prevent you from listening? Watch yourself in your next conversation to see which ones show up.

Listening Helps Without Trying

Listening helps people even if you are not trying. People who have someone listening to them often see it as a great, positive experience. Research continues to show that people are helped if another person listens and offers no advice. When people are given a chance to express their thoughts to another person, they often gain clarity about how they are thinking. Listening helps people feel understood, supported, and even challenged. That happens by just taking time to listen. It gets even better for the other person when you really know how to listen and interject helpful questions.

Listening DON’Ts

Listening is not something that just happens—believing that lie is another reason why listening is an underrated skill. It is not like hearing something. It takes energy to listen, especially if you are picturing what people say. That is the best way to listen – turn their conversation into a video. Listen to this podcast to learn some basics of that approach.  Consider the following 6 DON'Ts that violate some part of the listening formula.

DON’T control the conversation

Keep the focus on what they are saying. Let them take the conversation where they want. When you do that, you learn about them. One big exception! When you coach someone, that is not an everyday conversation. You will need to interrupt. That helps you maintain clarity about the story they are telling you.

DON’T give advice

Giving advice tends to meet your needs, not theirs. You may be very insightful and wise, but this is not about what you know unless the conversation requires it. Even if you are a wise person, pride in what you know can easily get in the way of listening. Unfortunately, that brings your listening and observing to a complete stop.

There are times when people are not interested in you helping them gain clarity. They want you to agree with their perspective. When that happens, a simple tool to use is to ask, “What advice were you hoping I’d give you?”

DON’T judge

The foundation of good listening is keeping your values out of the conversation. That does not mean you are not living your good values as you listen. It means you do not let your values cloud your ability to listen to them. Avoid or suspend your judgment about what they are saying, because listening done right is about observing what is being said. Judging is a big reason listening is an underrated skill. You want to fix something and start talking to help them change.

You can easily tell when your values get involved. Your thinking turns to words like should, should not, good, bad, right, wrong, etc. Again, please understand this point. Listening is about understanding what is happening inside their mind. Your values are mostly irrelevant until the conversation becomes about how they can change.

DON’T replace the speaker’s story with yours

It is so easy to hear someone else's experience and hijack the conversation. You will say, "Yeah, I had that happen to me. I..." That is a bad move if you want to value others rather than making everything about yourself. Sure, letting them know you had a similar experience is not bad, but then immediately turn the conversation back to them.

DON’T try to talk the speaker into or out of feelings

Do not discount the speaker’s experience by saying, “Don’t feel bad,” “It’s not so serious,” “Things will get better,” or “C’mon, give me a smile.” Those tend to help you, the listener, rather than the speaker. It often comes from your desire to help them feel better.

Just be incredibly careful. Most of the time, people want someone to listen to them. They do not want advice or help. Those are the times that you show up and relate to them. No coaching is needed or even wanted.

DON’T sympathize

This is difficult to grasp until you review the definitions of two words - empathize and sympathize.

• Empathize—the action of understanding, being aware of, and seeing it the way they see it
• Sympathize—an affinity, association, or relationship wherein whatever affects one similarly affects the other; an inclination to think and feel alike

While the words are actually synonyms, I use them to help me listen. I use it this way. When I sympathize, I see it from their perspective and feel it as they do. That will make me less objective. On the other hand, if I empathize, it means I see things from their perspective. However, I remain objective and do not let my feelings take over. I can understand how they feel, even though I don't share the same thoughts and feelings as they have. That will become a pity party or a "so said story", which all of us have.

Too often, when you listen and sympathize, it supports an inclination toward “poor me.” You help them live in a "victim's" world, which encourages inaction and dependence. Yes, sometimes people need some mothering, just do not let them indulge in it for long.

Listening is an underrated relationship skill, but it can become your most valuable relationship skill through practice.