If You Don’t Love Yourself, Then…

Do you need to love yourself before you can love others? In the 1960s and 1970s, many Christians focused on the second greatest commandment, which says to "love your neighbor as yourself." You might be thinking, "That's great. " It wasn't. They were promoting the incorrect thinking that you must love yourself before you can love others.

Is Thinking About ME Always Bad?

Self-controlled or self-absorbed? Which one is it?! If you are sensitive to the Holy Spirit at all, you will know which. AND my speculation is 95% or more of the time, thoughts about "ME" are self-absorbed. (That's based on personal experience, and I admit that I am probably more self-absorbed and self-sufficient than you.)

The simple rule, then, is that most of the time, your "ME" thoughts are self-absorbed, not self-controlled. Most likely, seldom are your "ME" thoughts about examining yourself to determine if your actions, thoughts, or feelings are righteous or unrighteous. (1 Cor. 11:28, 2 Cor. 13:5, Gal. 6:4).

How can you be sure whether you are self-absorbed or self-controlled? The answer is stated clearly in Matthew 22:37-39, Mark 12:30, or Luke 10:27. Here is the essence of Matthew 22:37,39

Matthew 22:37,39 (NKJV)—You shall love the Lord your God... You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

The Guideline

If you use those verses, the guideline becomes: When your "me" thoughts do NOT interfere with...

• OBEYING God and
• LOVING Others (pursuing their best)

...then your "me" thoughts, actions, or feelings are okay or acceptable to God.

Notice that it does NOT say "loving God", why? Because "obeying" is a more explicit criterion. If I asked you, "Do you love God?" it would be easy for you to answer, "Yes". But if I ask, "Are you obeying God right now?" your mind has more specific information to consider. You can assess what you know God has asked you to do and not do, then objectively answer.

More importantly, look at this.

John 14:15 (NKJV)—If you love Me, keep My commandments.

Your love of God is clearly demonstrated in whether you obey Him or not.

So, you are self-controlled or self-examined when your "ME" thoughts, actions, and feelings align with God's Word.

Testing the Guideline

You can test the guideline with this question: "Is asking for help okay, or is it a 'ME flashing' moment?"

Some people struggle with asking for help, because it is about me getting help, but is it always a "ME flashing" moment? You may be suffering right now and think that you cannot ask for help, because that is self-absorbed.

Use the guideline. Ask yourself, "Will asking for help interfere with my obeying God or pursuing their best?"

Is it OBEYING God?

The primary interference would be God says we are to trust Him to provide for us (Matthew 6:33). So, is your asking for help not obeying God? It all depends on your thoughts about the answer you get from them when you ask.

If you are okay or, better yet, content with the answer you get, whether it helps or not, then you are more likely to trust that God will provide. That would be obeying God. You would likely be asking in faith without judging people if they did not help.

Is it PURSUING THEIR BEST?

First, if you focus on what others should be doing, it most often turns into being judgmental. Any thoughts like, "They should be helping me, but they are too selfish!" are signs that your "ME" is flashing. That thinking has NO benefit for your growth and change. And it violates the second part of the guideline - pursuing their best.

When you love someone, pursuing their best does not require that they make any changes in their life or behavior - and it certainly means it is okay if they do or do not help you. You do not have expectations of them; you only focus on God's "expectations" of you. You can obviously want them to help, but when they do not, it does not change your thinking or behavior toward them.

Second, you may NOT be pursuing their best if you DON'T ask for their help. Why? Because God may want them to grow by helping you.

So, the key element is whether you are content with their answer. You are most likely OBEYING God, trusting that He knows and will do what is best for you. And you are pursuing their best, practicing freedom, not "requiring" a specific behavior from them to please yourself.