Relationship mistake #2 is the VICTIM, where you live in the past and "Keep the Past in the Present." Even though the past is OVER, people become controlled by the past, because they keep dragging what has been done to them or they did to others, into today - the present.

The PROBLEM (making everything about ME - yourself) blossoms into at least 4 relationship destroying mistakes. Each mistake is a form of control that hurts the relationship. Without the God-given tool of forgiveness, the wrongs others have done to you will control you with a desire for justice or vengeance. And, without God's solution of confession, the wrongs you do to others drive you to rationalize your behavior.

If you live in the past, then you damage your relationships, leaving issues unresolved. Even worse is you let others and the past control you, so you are not free!

Taking the past out of the present means you deal effectively with conflict. A critical component of our Conflict RESOLVED workshop is this crucial point – conflict is an opportunity for growth and development. For now, a basic understanding of the conflict cycle will help.

Conflict Cycle

All conflicts have the potential to turn into destructive, endless cycles. Start at the top with Tension. Something happens between you and another person that creates tension. Role Dilemma is next, or the blame game, where each of you says, “It’s your fault, not mine.” That leads to Gathering Injustices, building the case that it was their fault, not yours. Once there is enough evidence, you or they are ready for a Confrontation.

The confrontation leads to Adjusting, which can have numerous options, four of which are common. First, the evidence used was ineffective, so you or the other person decide to throw fuel on the fire by bringing up other unresolved conflicts – “I’ve got more issues!”

A second option is like the end of a round in a boxing match. Each of you “go to your corners” to gather more evidence to prove the problem is because of the other person – “I didn’t gather enough stuff!” This option drives you to live in the past

A third option is when either person says, “I’m out of here”. That often looks like a resolution, but the conflict has not been resolved, it is just out of sight or dormant. This option places another obstacle between you and them that will stay there, keeping the two of you apart until this conflict is resolved.

The fourth option, Resolution, ends the cycle. When conflict is seen as a possibility for growth and development, resolution is more likely. Without resolution, the conflict cycle will help keep the past alive, separating the two of you and reducing the quality of your relationship.

Resolving Issues

Dr. Fred Lybrand has a great quote that is worth memorizing.

“Good marriages and relationships leave a trail of resolved issues”.

That puts the right picture in your mind. Consider two people walking side by side on a path or the beach. They are close enough to be walking with one arm around the other. That image represents no unresolved issues between them; all have been resolved and left on the path behind them. They do not live in the past.

Suppose you change the picture and put an unresolved issue between them. That prevents them from walking closely next to each other; it separates them. Unresolved problems ultimately create physical and emotional separation that creates pain and may even end in divorce.

Are you resolving issues or ignoring them? Do you just hope they go away? It is time to not live in the past, move into the Right Circle, and choose to deal with the difficulties you face in your relationship. Remember, just because you do the right thing does not mean the relationship will improve. But it does mean you are saying “yes” to the relationship, not “making everything about ME.”