There is nothing simple about a blended family structure or the effort to make it work well. The nature of blended families creates issues. Unfortunately, the biggest problem is the reason the family exists in the first place. The family was created because people were not getting along and terminating relationships.

If you want the new blended family to work, it is time to think differently about the blended family and the exes.

"...do all to the glory of God." - 1 Corinthians 10:31  

Characteristics  

The following is unlikely to be a comprehensive list, but these items alone demonstrate why new thinking is necessary for the blended family structure to function effectively.

1. Complex structure – a large number of people in relationships
2. More stress than an intact family – caused by more ambiguity and complexity
3. Takes years to integrate – minimum seems about 2 years
4. Generally have cut-off relationships – 75% no contact with father
5. May have continual transitions – imagine holiday juggling issues
6. Less cohesiveness – less closeness to stepparents
7. Unrealistic expectations – don’t see fundamental differences compared to an intact family
8. No history of stability – must work out interactional patterns
9. Previous “givens” are no longer givens – an acute awareness of behavior
10. No shared family history – expecting quick family intimacy harms relationships
11. Step-relationships have no solid foundation of understanding – the relationship is measured by what is happening now
12. Many loyalty conflicts – blended family loyalty conflicts are greater than in the intact family
13. Roles are ambiguous – stepparents' roles are often undefined

For more details, click here to listen to Podcast #109. You can also click the button below to access all of the information about creating a new blended family structure.

Model

Bringing two families together makes the system more complex. You have added two extra people to a basic family structure. The addition is not the problem; it is that those people are often working against the new blended family structure. The two former spouses, even if they aren't "enemies" of the family, add complexity. Every addition to the structure requires considering more elements in any situation.

Unfortunately, the first reaction is to try to EXCLUDE the "exes", but that is the wrong strategy. Research continues to show that kids need their biological parents. Therefore, it is best to create a blended family structure as close to the original family design as possible.

That means finding ways to INCLUDE rather than exclude the "exes". Adults need to be mature and work toward the model shown above for the benefit of the children. Too often, divorce is the result of thinking it is in the best interest of the children to end the marriage. That is a myth! Now that there is a blended family, the reality of having a good relationship with the exes will genuinely be in the best interest of the kids.

Goals

As stated earlier, it takes focused effort to make a blended family structure work. But your payoff will be fewer long-term problems and healthier children. Setting goals to help achieve the model above is definitely a wise move.

• Good couple relationship: As with any marriage, the health of the marriage and children depends on the health of the relationship between the husband and wife. That requires the most effort, because a blended family structure has multiple elements to create separation rather than togetherness.
• Warm parent/child relationships: This is not just about the adults; it is also about nurturing the relationships with the children.
• Mutually satisfying step relationships (closeness varies): Biological parent relationships will always be closer than step relationships. Even so, it is imperative to generate as close a relationship as is appropriate with the stepchildren.
• Children not cut off from the biological parent: It is critical to work through forgiveness and remove the animosity between the exes. Beyond any legal issues, find ways to bring the exes into the children's lives - it is best for them.
• Adults in the children’s households cooperate to help children: For this to work well, the exes need to be on the same page as the blended family. When the children are with the ex, they need to behave similarly to how they do at home.

It takes work to get through this serious consequence of divorce. Unfortunately, if the work isn't done, both children and adults suffer. PLEASE CHOOSE TO DO THE WORK, and you will get the rewards.