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How Did This Happen to Me? (Book 1)
Important
Intermediate
Video
Book Series
53 Lessons
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About How Did This Happen to Me? (Book 1)
Has your world been rocked by an event you didn’t expect? Are you reeling from a hurt relationship or someone walking out on you? Sometimes traumatic events shock you into action to move you toward a corrected or more excellent path in life.
This course is designed to:
• Help you discover why your life surprised you. What did you miss that allowed the destruction of an important relationship?
• Inform you of the damage caused by misguidance and misunderstanding regarding Feelings, Freedom, Forgiveness, and Confession.
• Show you how to use Feelings, Freedom, Forgiveness, and Confession in constructive and life-giving ways.
The GR8 Relationships program started with a painful and poignant tipping point that took me by surprise. I was not a victim in the scenario, but it was a slap in the face that woke me up to so much about me, my wife, and our relationship. It caused me to look at my relationship with God more closely too.
Ready?
How Did This Happen to Me? (Book 1)
Our Story
1 Lesson
Important
Every relationship has two perspectives to the story since at least two people are involved, and they view situations differently from their own lens. As you observe the perspectives of this opening story, reflect on how you relate to it. What do you identify with, and what makes you shudder at the memory of something in your life that knocked you off your feet?
Who Is to Blame?
9 Lessons
Important
Because of the differences between men and women, they approach working on their relationship differently. One of the statements I make to men is, "You probably do not want to be here, and the reason is that you are a man." That often helps him relax, especially after I tell him that coming to counseling is like admitting failure or defeat. That goes against a man's testosterone-based design, which wants victory, significance, and success.
Important
This chart provides a partial summary of much of the information in GR8 Relationships and, simultaneously, shows you how your life will go when choosing the sin nature or your new nature. There is a truism, "Where you look, you tend to go." The chart demonstrates that statement; unfortunately, the left side of the chart seems to be our autopilot. The right side requires deliberate decisions.
Important
This high-level summary provides the most critical yet straightforward information you need to know about how relationships work worst and best.
Important
The critical difference between real love and the world’s love is the word “decision.” Love is a decision to which your feelings respond. Love exists beyond attraction and requires a decision to pursue their best, their highest good; patiently, kindly, sacrificially, and unconditionally.
Important
It is unfortunate that we are blind to how often we make life about “ME”! You may have noticed how easy it is to see when others are being selfish and self-absorbed, but not when you are doing it. Is that true for you? It sure is for me.
Important
Making life about yourself is built into everyone. Those without the life of Christ and the Spirit of God in them are slaves to that behavior. Those of us who have trusted Jesus’s death, burial, and resurrection as the answer for our sins have a choice: trust God or trust something or someone other than God. Present yourself to righteousness or to unrighteousness (Romans 6:13).
Important
The Lord helped me become aware of my "flashing ME" more often when I realized that my selfishness was most often connected to my negative emotions. When I feel irritable, upset, angry, depressed, discouraged, anxious, or any of those negative emotions, I learned to ask myself, “Hermann, are you making this about you?” After doing that for years, I stopped and wondered, "How many times have I said 'No" to the question, 'Am I making this about ME right now?" After reflecting on years of asking the question, I could not think of a time that I had said, "No."
Important
Since having your ME flash is the default, acting differently will take a deliberate choice. That choice can be made and maintained only by the Holy Spirit energizing your life. It is impossible for the sin nature to choose against itself.
Important
The classic passage in the Bible describing love is 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. As with all verses in the Bible, looking at the context helps you understand the verses you are reading. So, review chapters 1 through 12 before looking at chapter 13. If you do not do that, the first three verses in chapter 13.
What Breaks Down?
8 Lessons
Important
If you would rather live truth instead of speculation or opinion, then be clear about the interaction of three elements: feelings, thoughts, and actions.
Important
Feelings will often create problems. Again, it is not that feelings are bad; they are just indicators. Therefore, they respond to the stimuli they receive and are untrustworthy and fickle. You can reinforce the idea that feelings are primarily responders and often untrustworthy by considering two simple statements.
Important
Since feelings are only indicators or responders, acting or thinking should come first. That choice is relatively easy. Ready – fire – aim is not a good option. Acting before thinking can be as bad as letting your emotions lead.
Important
When someone does not act the way you want, manipulating or dominating to get them to change seems like the right thing. But that is the unwise, impatient path that leaves a lingering “smell.”
Important
Applying freedom to relationships emphasizes the critical truth that everyone can make their own choices. Everyone is responsible for their own decisions. You do not control them, and they do not control you. They are free to make and be responsible for their own choices.
Important
How would you counsel a woman who tells you this story?
Important
If forgiveness is the cure, guilt is the problem. And guess what – we are all guilty! That is why Jesus died for us! You have been mistreated; I have been mistreated – we all have been wronged. But worse, we all have hurt and sinned against others.
Important
Confession is admitting you have done something wrong, which often means others have been hurt. It does not matter who you are; if you want a great relationship, confess the wrong you did to them and forgive when they confess to you.
What is the Best ME?
35 Lessons
Important
Consider the options for three words: Think – Feel – Act. Which sequence do you suppose most people use? How about you?
Important
Order or consistency is essential for life and your body. Research shows that if you feel depressed, you can act differently than your feelings to impact the depressed feelings. Consider the following scripture that promotes that thought:
Important
Behavior can be easier to change than an attitude or feeling because it is tangible. If the action is taken consistently, despite the feelings, then feelings will eventually respond.
Important
The most important thing in your life is your thinking – it drives everything else that you do or feel. What you think about is what your life reflects in your actions and feelings. If your thinking about God does not match God’s Word, then your thinking is distorted, impacting all areas of your life. Worse yet, you are violating the first commandment
Important
Romans 8:6 (NIV) – The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The scripture above provides a strong statement that thinking drives you in the direction of life or death. Using life or death shows how critical your thinking is and what is going on in your mind is so important as we see in many scriptures.
Important
The second self-governance tool is the Freedom V. It will help you live more often in the Right Circle. It is an excellent tool and principle because it helps you grasp how freedom and self-governance are linked. It is a simple, primarily visual tool, so it is easy to explain and draw.
Important
Do you think you are free to be you? My bet – you are not as free as you think!
Important
Now that you reinforced your freedom, you have another, probably more difficult, question to answer. Do you accept that others are free?
Important
God is THE model for freedom in relationships. Consider a few statements about God. He is the only one who has complete control and sovereignty. He is all-powerful, and everything that happens is part of His infinitely good plan.
Important
And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32
Important
it is natural to be asking something like, “Okay, but what’s in it for ME?” (The flashing ME shows up everywhere.) Ironically, whether self-control or self-absorption is our goal, forgiveness is the best option either way!
Important
Psalms 32 is believed to be written by David after he sinned with Bathsheba and had Uriah killed. While this scripture is more about confession, it still provides the clear impact of losing health without forgiveness. Listen to David contrast the joy of forgiveness with the physical suffering of unconfessed sin.
Important
The only alternative to forgiveness is vengeance and bitterness. Think about it; there is no middle ground, no matter how you try to avoid the issue. So, ask yourself – do I want to forgive or to be bitter and vengeful?
Important
This is possibly the worst of the consequences of unforgiveness, and it is so easy to fall into this trap.
Important
Depression is often born from an unhealthy focus on past events. It can be birthed from trying to control a past event, the unfairness of what happened, and the lost hope for justice.
Important
Be controlled by the past or by God. Be controlled by the sins done to you or forgive and trust that the Lord will take care of it. It is your choice.
Important
You know the idea of forgiveness, but not enough to explain what it is or what you do to forgive. Most people have an incomplete view of forgiveness and, therefore, do not experience the benefits.
Important
Estimates are that 80% of what we see lies behind our eyes. If that is true, then when we’re looking at the offender, we mostly see the wrong and the pain, not the person. We see “that animal,” “that jerk,” and “that piece of trash,” but we do NOT see the person.
Important
Yehiel De-Nur was a witness during the trial of Adolf Eichmann. De-Nur entered the courtroom and stared at the man behind the bulletproof glass—the man who had presided over the slaughter of millions. The court was hushed as a victim confronted a butcher.
Important
Overlook your assumed right to revenge or to “get even.” Notice I said “assumed.” We think we have the right to revenge, but we do not. Revenge is God’s right alone.
Important
Before you entered the first step of forgiveness, your feelings toward the offender may have been hate, bitterness, and anger. You wanted bad things to happen to the bad person who did bad things to you. That is what hate is all about.
Important
Bitterness keeps us stuck in the past, but forgiveness allows us to move forward into the future. This does not mean we must forgive and forget, as some say. Forgetting is not a necessary element of forgiveness, though it sometimes comes afterward.
Important
Consider the scars on your body. They are memorials to healing! There are some significant scars on my body from a skiing accident and near-death experience, as well as two back operations. Those situations were extremely painful – at the time – but they are not painful now – they are healed!
Important
So, how do you deal with these thoughts about what they did to you? You say you forgave, but the thoughts keep coming up. It depends on the answer to one essential question. Before you ask the question, consider these options: • OPTION 1: You did not forgive when you said you did • OPTION 2: You did forgive and need to forgive again • OPTION 3: You did forgive and need to validate your forgiveness
Important
If you have not forgiven, doing what this step requires will be extremely hard. If you have forgiven, this step speeds the healing.
Important
You often are not willing to confess sin because you have invested so much in it. Allow me to explain. The more you invest in something the more power it has over you. Imagine you own an expensive car.
Important
Humility is essential for confession. Without it you remain defensive and judgmental and unable to see the real issues that are going on in your life.
Important
One of the more difficult things for you to do in life is own what you have done and accept the consequences. The temptation to pass the buck and blame someone else is strong.
Important
Confession requires honesty, objectivity, and reality. It is about what is going on. This is not something you can do on your own power. Left to your own devices you will “chicken out” and talk about petty issues or peripheral sin.
Important
Empathy involves attempting to see life from another’s person’s perspective, understanding their pain, and then doing something about that pain.
Important
Repentance is ultimately how you get your heart aligned with God, which is what God wants. He wants an intimate relationship with you and that requires your thinking aligned with His.
Important
As you have already read, confession first takes place with God and then with the other person you have wronged and injured.
Important
Most people avoid conflict like a plague. It should not be so among believers. Conflict is actually a great time for learning and development. More importantly, God can bless us immensely even if the conflict was evil.
Important
Satan does not want you to confess because you remain invested in your sin. Confession reconnects you with God and His marvelous grace.