Critical
Intermediate
Video
The PROBLEM
25 Lessons
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You know that relationship difficulties happen and are inevitable. What you may not know is there is only ONE PROBLEM. Relationships are NOT complex - they are straightforward when you understand the PROBLEM and the SOLUTION. Even though there is only ONE PROBLEM, there are several ways you help the problem happen. Each mistake is geared toward fulfilling the PROBLEM, and the mistakes are easily justified because of the PROBLEM. The bad news is that you are most likely participating in more than 1 of the mistakes in your relationships right now!
As I look at my life and coach others, it is clear we do not accept or believe we have the PROBLEM. Our sin nature so quickly reflects on the behavior of others and rationalizes our bad behavior. It is insidious and proves the need for us to be in God's Word, filling our minds with His thinking to have a sensitive conscience to hear Him speaking to us.
Critical
The Lord helped me become aware of my "flashing ME" more often when I realized that my selfishness was most often connected to my negative emotions. When I feel irritable, upset, angry, depressed, discouraged, anxious, or any of those negative emotions, I learned to ask myself, “Hermann, are you making this about you?” After doing that for years, I stopped and wondered, "How many times have I said 'No" to the question, 'Am I making this about ME right now?" After reflecting on years of asking the question, I could not think of a time that I had said, "No."
Critical
Think about a time someone complained to you. Maybe it was about being overworked and underpaid. Or it was about a friend who was mistreating them. Whatever their complaint, they are upset and want it fixed. As you listen, you may sympathize with them. You may offer insights or try to help them see things differently. But most often, no matter what wisdom you provide, they do not change their mind to see life differently. So, they leave the conversation still struggling and complaining because they do not see reality.
Critical
It is unfortunate that we are blind to how often we make life about “ME”! You may have noticed how easy it is to see when others are being selfish and self-absorbed, but not when you are doing it. Is that true for you? It sure is for me.
Critical
Making life about yourself is built into everyone. Those without the life of Christ and the Spirit of God in them are slaves to that behavior. Those of us who have trusted Jesus’s death, burial, and resurrection as the answer for our sins have a choice: trust God or trust something or someone other than God. Present yourself to righteousness or to unrighteousness (Romans 6:13).
Critical
Since having your ME flash is the default, acting differently will take a deliberate choice. That choice can be made and maintained only by the Holy Spirit energizing your life. It is impossible for the sin nature to choose against itself.
Critical
Imagine you are back in the third grade. You and your classmates are on the playground while workers are removing dirt from a baseball field next to the playground. As you watch, they uncover a patch of stone. The first glimpse of the stone appears to have something on it. The workers look more carefully at the rock. You watch intently as they remove the dirt; first, the top third, then the middle, and finally, the fossil images are revealed. As you look at the footprints, your teacher asks, “What do you think happened here?"
Critical
God wants your thinking to align with truth because He wants to protect you from error, and, too often, an error comes from depending on opinions, speculations, or guesses instead of the facts.
Critical
The desire to know when you do not is powerful in all of us. In his book, The Leader’s Handbook, Peter Scholtes provides some research and observation about opinion. What is so interesting about his study is it was conducted in the business arena, specifically manufacturing, where measurable data is available.
Critical
Common everyday situations are just like that conversation with Simon. Jesus is asking you, “What do you think?” You may be struggling with a relationship. Jesus is asking, “Do you think I know about this? Do you think I care about you? Do you think I want what’s best for you?” It may be finances, your job, or sickness, but He asks the same questions. “What is your opinion about Me and how I deal with you?”
Critical
Jesus is dedicated to helping you think clearly. But the lack of knowledge about who He is, the lack of being in His Word, leaves you with nothing more than an opinion about Him. He wants you to depend on Him and His Word and stop depending on yourself and other things that do not provide an accurate understanding of who He is.
Critical
So, if you do not want to be a “Politician” in your relationships, assuming things about others and living primarily on your emotions, consider asking yourself some straightforward questions.
Critical
Victims say, “If everyone else got their act together, my life would be better.” So, why would they consider help? “It’s not my fault or my responsibility; it’s yours.” There is a lack of personal responsibility, creating a structure to blame others for what is happening.
Critical
Like all sin, not forgiving has consequences. If you are thinking clearly, you will want to avoid them. There are probably more, but here are six consequences you can escape if you forgive.
Critical
Taking the past out of the present means you deal effectively with conflict. A critical component of our Conflict RESOLVED workshop is this crucial point – conflict is an opportunity for growth and development. For now, a basic understanding of the conflict cycle will help.
Critical
Dr. Fred Lybrand has a great quote that is worth memorizing. “Good marriages and relationships leave a trail of resolved issues.”
Critical
Acting can be fun. You can take on a persona different than your own. You can say and do things you would not if you were yourself. It can create some interesting experiences because you do not have to be the “real” you. Of course, that is why being an Actor in a relationship is such a crippling mistake – you are not being real!
Critical
Actors become experts at “walking on eggshells.” You know what that is like, right? When you are around specific people, you do not talk about certain things because they will get upset. They prefer to relate and get along at the expense of truth.
Critical
Your value of telling the truth comes second to harmony because you do not want emotional conflict. Your tendency is only to tell them what they want to hear, not talk about “that,” dance around the problem or stay away from them. You will tend to act like everything is okay when it is not.
Critical
So, are you an Actor, wearing a mask, not being real? Are you telling others what you think they want to hear? Are you less interested in truth than in your image or the way people see you?
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Have you ever tried to change somebody? Of course, you have! You might be thinking, “What’s wrong with that?” Maybe nothing – it depends on who is the beneficiary of the change. Do you want them to change just because it would be best for them? Or do you want them to change so that you could finally breathe a sigh of relief that they have changed?
Critical
Here are four great quotes about relationships from Robert Fritz. Please check out his excellent books and work. It is well worth your time and investment.
Critical
Think about any close relationship you have. Think about the other person and identify three changes you would like them to make. Of those three, pick the one most important for them to change and write it on a piece of paper. (Dr. Howe said that a common statement made about a spouse was, “If they would just change these three things, they would be healed!”)
Critical
Think about any close relationship you have. Think about the other person and identify three changes you would like them to make. Of those three, pick the one most important for them to change and write it on a piece of paper. (Dr. Howe said that a common statement made about a spouse was, “If they would just change these three things, they would be healed!”)
Critical
When freedom enters a relationship, you learn to live in reality and accept the whole person. You live in reality about their good and bad characteristics. You see who they really are and still have a relationship with them. Isn’t that how God relates to you? He fully knows you and still accepts, loves, and values you. What a great and marvelous God!
Critical
Great relationships are simple. Using the tactics of the Problem and four mistakes makes them complex and more difficult. The simplicity is found in having the mind of Christ - "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself." – Philippians 2:3. It is similar, but a higher calling than the golden rule - "Do to others what you would want them to do to you." – Luke 6:31
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