Critical
Intermediate
Video
Critical Tools
25 Lessons
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You need four critical tools for great relationships. You can say they help implement the SOLUTION and, at the same time, aren't effective without the energy of the SOLUTION. Great relationships depend on understanding how to effectively use every one of these critical tools. The THIRD tool is the ONLY way to get free from the harm others have done to you. Seriously, the ONLY WAY! There are imposter ideas and concepts, but none of them work in the long term.
This tool is easier to use after you know about the first and second tools. It still requires courage and trust in a PERFECT Father God to use it.
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How would you counsel a woman who tells you this story?
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If forgiveness is the cure, guilt is the problem. And guess what – we are all guilty! That is why Jesus died for us! You have been mistreated; I have been mistreated – we all have been wronged. But worse, we all have hurt and sinned against others.
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This heartbreaking story shows the far-reaching and destructive nature of bitterness.
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And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ also forgave you. – Ephesians 4:32
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it is natural to be asking something like, “Okay, but what’s in it for ME?” (The flashing ME shows up everywhere.) Ironically, whether self-control or self-absorption is our goal, forgiveness is the best option either way!
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Psalms 32 is believed to be written by David after he sinned with Bathsheba and had Uriah killed. While this scripture is more about confession, it still provides the clear impact of losing health without forgiveness. Listen to David contrast the joy of forgiveness with the physical suffering of unconfessed sin.
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The only alternative to forgiveness is vengeance and bitterness. Think about it; there is no middle ground, no matter how you try to avoid the issue. So, ask yourself – do I want to forgive or to be bitter and vengeful?
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This is possibly the worst of the consequences of unforgiveness, and it is so easy to fall into this trap.
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Depression is often born from an unhealthy focus on past events. It can be birthed from trying to control a past event, the unfairness of what happened, and the lost hope for justice.
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Be controlled by the past or by God. Be controlled by the sins done to you or forgive and trust that the Lord will take care of it. It is your choice.
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You know the idea of forgiveness, but not enough to explain what it is or what you do to forgive. Most people have an incomplete view of forgiveness and, therefore, do not experience the benefits.
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Estimates are that 80% of what we see lies behind our eyes. If that is true, then when we’re looking at the offender, we mostly see the wrong and the pain, not the person. We see “that animal,” “that jerk,” and “that piece of trash,” but we do NOT see the person.
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Yehiel De-Nur was a witness during the trial of Adolf Eichmann. De-Nur entered the courtroom and stared at the man behind the bulletproof glass—the man who had presided over the slaughter of millions. The court was hushed as a victim confronted a butcher.
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Overlook your assumed right to revenge or to “get even.” Notice I said “assumed.” We think we have the right to revenge, but we do not. Revenge is God’s right alone.
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Before you entered the first step of forgiveness, your feelings toward the offender may have been hate, bitterness, and anger. You wanted bad things to happen to the bad person who did bad things to you. That is what hate is all about.
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Joseph is a good example we can follow. Remember the mistreatment Joseph suffered because of his brothers? Yet when he was in an ideal position to take full vengeance on them, his response was completely unexpected
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Bitterness keeps us stuck in the past, but forgiveness allows us to move forward into the future. This does not mean we must forgive and forget, as some say. Forgetting is not a necessary element of forgiveness, though it sometimes comes afterward.
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Consider the scars on your body. They are memorials to healing! There are some significant scars on my body from a skiing accident and near-death experience, as well as two back operations. Those situations were extremely painful – at the time – but they are not painful now – they are healed!
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So, how do you deal with these thoughts about what they did to you? You say you forgave, but the thoughts keep coming up. It depends on the answer to one essential question. Before you ask the question, consider these options: • OPTION 1: You did not forgive when you said you did • OPTION 2: You did forgive and need to forgive again • OPTION 3: You did forgive and need to validate your forgiveness
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If you have not forgiven, doing what this step requires will be extremely hard. If you have forgiven, this step speeds the healing.
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A review of the FORGAVE steps and how to apply them.
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Forgiveness does not remove natural or legal consequences. It certainly can lessen those consequences in many situations, but it is not dealing with the justice that may be required. If you can forget a wrong, then forgiveness is not necessary.
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The focus of forgiveness is the inside of the person. God is for restoration and reconciliation – and it may occur, but it is not part of, nor is it required by forgiveness.
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If we could not forgive unless the other person repented, we are in trouble, because some people who wrong you will never repent.
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All this talk about forgiveness comes down to three simple questions – Can you? Will you? When?
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