ACTOR Relationship Mistake – The Lies Liars Believe
...destroy you and your relationships. When you make the ACTOR relationship mistake, you play a role, perform, aren't a real person! What drives your need to deceive? You don't believe the REAL you is acceptable to others. That bad thinking puts you into a surreal world of deception, lies and wearing a mask to perform for others.
The Problem of Deceit
Deceit and lying are most often selfishness and making it all about “ME!” to maintain control and protect yourself. It is also a defense against perceived pain. What's the pain? Others will learn something about me that I don't want them to know.
Therefore, you make the Actor relationship mistake and try to control what others know about you. It is like a game of hiding and others trying to seek you, but you never let them find you.
As an Actor, you can't let people know how you really feel or think. It's much easier to tell others what they want to hear or entertain them so they don't see the real you. Real issues that you struggle with are not a topic of any conversation, since that can expose who you really are. That is never tolerated.
AND, if someone gets close to seeing behind your "mask", you become what they want and change your mask. It's time to start acting in another role or as another character.
Two Lies Liars Believe
"I'm not worthy" - When you make the Actor relationship mistake, you fear that if people really knew you, they would not accept or love you. So, you work to develop a persona that is more deserving of love and respect.
As a deceiver, you are always on the lookout for clues from others on ways to act that bring you the most appreciation, adoration and acceptance. While that is mostly natural for anyone, it creates a big problem when deception is the motivation.
And, actors are exceptionally good at figuring out what others want. When you figure it out, like a chameleon, you change colors to blend in with those wants. If that "color" or character is not interesting enough, you invent a new image that is more likely to be accepted.
It is a major, tiresome challenge maintaining the deception - and even more tiring as you strive to "enhance" the deception for even more acceptance. No wonder you experience freedom and rest when you become REAL and drop the Actor relationship mistake!
"I will be rejected" - While this is a similar lie, it primarily shows up when you do something improper or fail to meet expectations. Immediately you see rejection looming, if found out—so you deceive to protect yourself.
As a result, you develop and depend on a foundation of excuses. And, good Actors are excellent defenders of their excuses - at almost any cost. You spend the energy to maintain the deception, because failure equals rejection - the opposite of what you crave - ACCEPTANCE. So, if in a moment of weakness, you fail - you see only one option - LIE - to avoid the pain of rejection.
The Worst Lie Liars Believe
A paradox in being a liar is that you must lie to yourself. Of course, you know you are lying, so to convince yourself the lie must be true, it needs to be simple and easily repeatable.
When the Holy Spirit convicts you of the lie, you simply restate the lie, as if it negates reality. If repetition fails, then as a liar you remind yourself of the perceived pain of the truth.
That leads you to the biggest and worst lie a liar believes -
Unconditional love is not something God or others actually provide.
As you make the Actor relationship mistake, you believe it simply cannot be true that no matter your behavior, someone can still accept, care, value, love, and respect you. Unconditional love goes against all the energy that a deceiver invests in deceiving themselves and others.
Understanding unconditional love to be true requires admitting you are wrong when you deceive. In essence, you admit that deception is a bad investment. If your whole identity depends on deceiving others, then letting the investment go is very difficult.
The illusion that you are in control is lost in the face of Unconditional Love. The reality that the sin of deception is actually in control now confronts you. So, you have a major decision - continue the Actor relationship mistake or believe Unconditional Love.
When you accept unconditional love is real, God redeems and resurrects the years you invested in deception and uses them for your good (Romans 8:28).
Finally, if you want to transition to reality, don’t stop investing in deception, start investing in the truth, being vulnerable and accepting unconditional love. That can be VERY SCARY when you have a BIG investment in the Actor relationship mistake.
(David Curtis is the author of this post. He is a facilitator of GR8 Relationships and created "Introduction to GR8 Relationships", a condensed version focused on the Problem and Solution. That version is taught in Africa where thousands of pastors and other believers have been influenced by God's model for relationships. His insights about the Actor mistake are a valuable addition to GR8 Relationships.)
...but speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head - Christ - -Ephesians 4:15
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